#humor

What in the world is a Senior President?

DW making up new titles now?

Maybe he does?

The Seven Species of LinkedIn

A field guide for the modern professional jungle. Bring your coffee and your sense of irony.

⸻

1. The Drum Beater

“Achievement unlocked: updated my email signature.”
Celebrates everything — from finishing a webinar to surviving Monday. If self-promotion were cardio, this one would be marathon-ready.

⸻

1. The “Humbled” Achiever

“So humbled to announce that I’m basically amazing.”
Masters the ancient art of bragging while pretending not to. Their posts start with false modesty and end with 1,200 likes.

⸻

1. The Thought Leader

“Innovation is just passion wearing a tie.”
Part philosopher, part buzzword generator. Communicates exclusively in abstract nouns — synergy, authenticity, disruption — as if they’re paid by the syllable.

⸻

1. The Motivational Evangelist

“I spilled coffee on myself — and learned a valuable lesson about leadership.”
Turns every life event into an inspirational parable. A broken laptop? A metaphor for resilience. A delayed flight? Proof that patience is a skill set.

⸻

1. The Corporate Citizen

“Proud to be part of a company that’s making the world slightly better — at least in our press release.”
Their posts are indistinguishable from the HR department’s. They clap for every culture initiative like it’s the Super Bowl halftime show.

⸻

1. The Sycophant

“Brilliant insight, boss! (Please notice me.)”
The algorithm’s most loyal servant. Likes, comments, and reposts with the precision of a political campaign. Never misses a chance to congratulate management for “inspiring leadership.”

⸻

1. The Silent Lurker

“Just here for the sociology experiment.”
Never posts. Never likes. Knows everyone’s promotion history and engagement stats by heart. The digital equivalent of the person at a party who stands by the snack table quietly judging everyone.

It was a simpler time.
I was just sitting here wondering if that actually happened.
And wondering if it will happen again.
I joined in, added “I didn’t even know we had a reply all button” to the melee.
It was a career highlight for me.

Not like anyone would know if you did lol

I ain’t never stepping foot in a Target store again! 😂

Walmart here I return 🏃‍♂️💨

Resorting to low attacks bc why not, but did we think we’d be safe when the incoming CEO can’t even tell the abomination that is his horrible balding pattern? Targets doomed if the incoming CEO can’t even see the problems directly in front of him.

Just saw a post on LinkedIn: CDK issuing a "State of Cybersecurity" white paper - hahaha I guess they would know, right? haha I'd link it, but I fell out of my chair laughing.

Sir A Witty - where’s he with his gang? Concerned 😒

Amdocs was founded in Israel in 1982, and partially acquired by SBC in 1985.
What they don’t tell you, is the project that led them to being acquired so fast, was actually the first android project in the world, called Project Stank.
It’s not publicized, because the android they created, could only sh-t out of his mouth, and not his a-s.
However, there was a problem with Project Stank’s gastrointestinal system, leading to the android only being able to say the word, “Fiber”.
Amdocs sold the project to SBC and it is now our CEO

What am I seeing right now, is this real life???

I’m hoping this is just a bad dream due to an undercooked potato. We will all wake up and it’ll be Christmas morning.
Unfortunately, I’m sure I’ll find a lump of coal in my stocking stamped WF.
Come tomorrow, if you see a Band-Aid on my finger, it’s because I had to pr--k my finger in order to log into my work computer. This company is taking authentication to the next level.

...when AT&T was cutting cutting cutting and people said "That's what "AT&T" now stands for." We've come a long way, huh?

I seent a former C suite employee, who ran another E&P company into the ground and got laid off, at a Loves Truck Stop. Had that cheesy grin and walked a little light in the loaders so yup just another Saturday night for him.

It takes 4 steps:
1 Offer help
2 Cause a trouble that breaks things down
3 Come to the rescue with a makeshift solution only he/she knows how it works
4 Repeat above steps to take credits time and time again, and become indispensable.


In fact, that is also how we as a company thrive. After all, the CEO wants to “help every person and every organization on the planet”


Be Mike

Destroy your ability to explore to such a degree that you have to purchase companies and talent just to compete.

Destroy your talent pipeline through repeated reorgs and attrition so that the least qualified are the only ones that remain.

Move regional jobs offshore to nations where turnover is high, official holidays are numerous, and most importantly are experiencing massive rates of resume / experience fraud.

Create a work environment where people are demoralized, distracted, and distressed.

Cut or degrade meaningful benefits that help people deal with stress and mental health issues in their private lives often caused by the realities of their work lives.

Blame the U.S. workforce when incidents occur.

Rinse & repeat.

Use this board to call in sick or have your days off approved. Afterall, HR is watching.

Heck, put in a ticket and you'll get a faster response.

Believe me now?

I just spoke with DAS. Back in June 2022 it looks like they uploaded Maurice to the cloud. This explains the robotic answers, the bad writing and his inability to read. It also explains any future attempts to automate your work and work we so that you make less money and work less hours.
He will be put back in his body when his total income exceeds $100 billion per year.
This is all pretty hush hush but on good authority.

I copied it from the ExxonMobil side of this website:

https://youtube.com/shorts/ROHUBawQAPo?si=-37CT0-QZAOs7TOU

I think it’s a copy of the 14.1 user manual and all of FLD’s crayon drawings

Board of Directors asked Chat GPT, “How do you run a successful Telecommunications company?” and it analyzed all of the companies in the industry and their earnings reports in years of growth and just charted out a five year plan. Its first suggestion was eliminating the entire senior leadership team and their chief of staff entourages. Saves hundreds of millions in first year. Use that money to staff network, call centers, retail and business with honest employees that won’t be forced to sell boomerangs like DTV, MPP, etc. Customer retention jumps to all time high. Sell high rent office buildings and all employees work from home but performance measures are customers engaged, sales processed, fiber footage. Output will triple. Each employee gets 5 extra days of vacation (to compensate for the 5 taken away) and older employees no longer targeted for surplus and instead many will be rehired on basis of the fact they grew AT&T to the 100 million power house it was under Ralph De La Vega. Oh, and Leading with Distinction will now be 12 Tik Tok reels starring Tom Hanks just saying “Don’t buy any billion dollar companies, just focus on helping customers reset voicemail passwords.”

Hello everybody in want to warn the community about the mcdonal near the office. I ordered a large fry and all I got was a regular. They think I’m up in hear playing but I got news for them:

I ain’t.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMFLC7IS4QA&list=TLPQMDIxMDIwMjUL_TeNWO39JA&index=6

Buckle up and pull those straps tight - Do you have what it takes to hold on?

💀🧛‍♂️ Working at Lumen sometimes feels like being in a vampire clan.
• We work best in the dark (data centers, anyone?).
• We su-k the life out of bandwidth — in the best way possible.
• We’ve been around for ages and still keep reinventing ourselves (eternal life, corporate edition).
• And of course, we don’t sparkle in the sunlight… but our fiber sure does. ✨

At least the fangs come in handy for chewing through red tape.

.... if RTO == "Really Tempting Offer" to work somewhere else! XD

Subject: Strategic Excellence Through Incompetence: A Tribute to Our Leadership Icons

To: All Remaining Employees
From: Office of Executive Gaslighting
Date: Whenever We Feel Like It

Dear Valued Headcount,

As we enter Q4 of our Transformation Through Attrition initiative, it’s time to celebrate the visionary leadership that has guided us through this era of strategic confusion and morale erosion.

🥇 The CEO of Vague Promises
Continues to inspire us with an uncanny ability to say absolutely nothing in 500 words. Whether it’s a town hall, a shareholder call, or a “fireside chat” with no fire and no chat, this leader delivers the kind of guidance that makes you question whether leadership is even real. Motto: “We’re committed to change, unless it’s hard.”

😬 The EVP of Smile-Based Threats
This executive’s smile has been scientifically proven to trigger involuntary compliance. No need for logic, empathy, or a coherent strategy—just a grin wide enough to make you forget your job was eliminated during the last reorg. Signature move? Smiling while saying, “We value our people,” as the badge reader deactivates.

🛠️ Upcoming Initiatives

• Project Gaslight 360: A new performance review system where your rating is inversely proportional to your usefulness.
• Operation Smile & Sever: A pilot program where layoff notices are delivered with a complimentary dental mirror.
• The Way Forward: A leadership training module that teaches you how to speak for 45 minutes without committing to anything.

Thank you for your continued resilience, compliance, and silence. Remember: dissent is a performance issue, and performance issues are HR’s favorite flavor.

Warmest regards,
The Leadership Simulation Team
“We’re not real leaders, but we play them in quarterly reports.”

Hey, laid off over 3 years ago. Just wondering what is happening at good ole(d?) Wells Fargo. Ran across this youtube short https://www.youtube.com/shorts/kqLz53z8Inc and thought that might be the situation.

Quarter end is nigh. The layoffs winds are gathering yet again.

• Gordon Lightfoot

#567, oh #ATT what a dive,
Out of six hundred companies, we are barely alive.
A “best place to work”? That’s hilarious, what a joke,
We a dumpster on fire, our leaders breathing in smoke.

“How and where we work” leaders spoke with pride,
But our survey results told them, bend over, open wide
Obsessed with RTO like it’s some grand prize,
Congrats—you invented another brand new lie

Leadership’s invisible, replaced with a culture,
Strategy’s thinner than a hungry a$$ vulture
Merit’s long forgotten, replaced with DEI and RTO
Morale’s on permanent vacation and sipping Merlot

So here’s to AT&T, ranked #567,
A workplace from he-l, with no leadership or direction
If failure was an art, we absolutely mastered its design
A masterclass mess, one disaster at a time.

I lost my job at the hot chicken sandwich company today. They called it a “strategic restructure.” I called it getting canned from a place that sells spicy bird meat.

They pulled me into the “Cayenne Conference Room” — aka the breakroom — and told me my “passion” wasn’t a good fit. Translation: I ranked our worst customers on a whiteboard and started a petition for bigger sauce cups.

I packed my ranch packets, flipped the “open” sign to “closed,” and walked out smelling like ghost pepper and poor decisions.

Hot chicken? Sure. Hot mess? Absolutely

Subject: An Important Update on Our Path to Prosperity
Dear Valued Employees,
I hope this letter finds you well and brimming with the same unwavering commitment to excellence that has defined our collective journey. As you know, we recently made some difficult but necessary adjustments to our organizational structure. While we deeply regret the temporary disruption this caused to our talent pool, we are thrilled to report that these decisive actions have yielded remarkable results, bringing us tantalizingly close to our shared goal: an overflowing trough for our truly deserving shareholders.
The good news is, our shareholders are still hungry. Very, very hungry. We have been informed that their yachts are only getting longer, and their summer homes are in dire need of additional wings. To ensure our most important stakeholders can continue to thrive in the manner to which they have become accustomed, we are implementing a few additional, innovative efficiency measures. We are confident these changes will foster a new era of employee resourcefulness and contribute directly to the financial well-being of those who matter most.
Phase I: The "Enriching Austerity" Initiative
Here are some of the exciting new protocols you can look forward to:

• The "Personal Comfort" Program: The company will no longer be providing toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels. We ask that you bring your own supplies from home to ensure your personal comfort and hygiene needs are met. This small sacrifice represents a massive saving that will go directly toward a new, diamond-encrusted doorknob for the CEO's office.
• The "Time is Money" Restroom Timer: To help you maximize your on-the-clock productivity, we are installing timers in all restroom stalls. Each employee will be allotted a generous two-minute period per use. Any time beyond the two-minute limit will be docked from your monthly bonus. For those with more complex needs, a "platinum tier" unlimited use pass will be available for purchase at the low, low price of $100 a month.
• The "Sustainable Illumination" Fee: The cost of electricity is skyrocketing, so we have decided to turn the power back over to the people! Effective immediately, there will be a small monthly fee of $5 per employee for the privilege of using the lights at your desk. Consider it an investment in your personal visibility and career advancement. Coffee will be sold at a $5 surcharge.
• The "Shared Responsibility" Custodial Program: Our beloved custodial staff, who have served us so well for so many years, have been released from their duties so they may pursue other ventures, such as applying for unemployment. To fill this critical gap, all janitorial duties will now be the responsibility of the lowest-ranked employees in each department. We believe this will foster a new sense of community and humility.
• The "Optimal Workspace" Initiative: For those with too much space, we are selling your extra square footage. For those who need to buy back some space, we can accommodate that at a high cost. Also, we are taking away your personal desk chairs and selling them on the open market. Feel free to bring your own stool, yoga ball, or a comfortable milk crate. This initiative will not only save the company thousands of dollars but also promotes better posture and core strength.
  We understand these changes may seem challenging, but we ask that you view them not as cuts, but as opportunities—opportunities to show your dedication, to embrace resourcefulness, and to contribute to the unparalleled opulence of those at the very top.
  With utmost sincerity,
  The Management Team

1.  Hood-Slang Gripe

– “Bunny slippers walkin’ soft while the floor cracks. Ghosts in suits, jokers smilin’. Whole place busy lookin’ busy.”

2.  Puzzle Riddle

– “Three shadows in glass towers: one hides, one smiles, one delays. The silence says more than the meetings.”

3.  Scavenger Clues

– “Slippers in ashes. Ghost in the copy room. Joker by the café line. Put the pieces together.”

4.  Hood + Gallows Humor

– “Busywork ain’t hustle, it’s camouflage. Suits playin’ games while the ground gives way.”

5.  Dark Teaser

– “The slippers, the mask, the joker — none for comfort, joy, or laughs. Just uniforms for rot.”

I hope this note finds you well, though I'm sure it won't.
Team,
As you know, our mission has always been to innovate, to disrupt, and to frankly, make a lot of money. To that end, I'm thrilled to announce a few exciting "synergy" and "optimization" updates that will catapult us into a new era of... well, of me continuing to make a lot of money.
Effective immediately, we are undergoing a significant recalibration of our workforce. In a move that truly embodies the spirit of our company, we are saying goodbye to thousands of you. This is not a failure on your part, but rather a strategic realignment to leverage the incredible talent pools in countries where, let's be honest, the cost of living is more of a suggestion than a reality. We've always said our culture doesn't live in a place; it lives in our people. And now, our people will be living in a different place, and our culture will be living right here, in my bank account.
This difficult decision was made to ensure our continued profitability, and by "our" I mean mine. To all those who are leaving, I want you to know that your sacrifice has not gone unnoticed. It has, in fact, been quantified and will be reinvested into my third vacation home. Your hard work has built this company into the titan it is today, a titan that no longer needs you.
I understand that change can be difficult, especially for those of you who now need to find a new job. But please, focus on the positive. This is not a layoff; it's a "career transition opportunity" to explore new horizons that don't involve us.
I will be taking a personal day to process this emotionally taxing decision on a yacht. I encourage you all to reflect on how your unwavering dedication has contributed to this incredible moment.
Onward and upward,
Your CEO

I am based in Houston and my entire team has been replaced with employees in Buenos Aires and Manila. Does anyone have advice or strategies on maximizing the benefits of in-person collaboration the upcoming RTO changes will offer?

/s

if i evr won the lottery, i wouldn’t retire quietly. i’d open a cellphone store right in the middle of the richest neighborhood i could find.

but it wouldn’t be a normal store. our only goal would be to make sure every single customer left annoyed. prices wouldn’t matter, products wouldn’t matter, the only thing that mattered was that no one walked out satisfied.

every single worker in the store would hold the title of “manager.” that’s it, no other roles. on their name tags, we’d list their salaries in huge print. people would walk in, see someone making millions a year, and still realize they weren’t going to get any help at all.

and for customer service? our number wouldn’t go to a call center, it would connect straight to the irs. so if you wanted to complain, you’d have a very different kind of problem waiting for you.

Then as customers stormed out the door with frustration written all over their faces, we’d smile, wave, and say in the sweetest tone: “and you have a nice day.”