I hope this note finds you well, though I'm sure it won't.
Team,
As you know, our mission has always been to innovate, to disrupt, and to frankly, make a lot of money. To that end, I'm thrilled to announce a few exciting "synergy" and "optimization" updates that will catapult us into a new era of... well, of me continuing to make a lot of money.
Effective immediately, we are undergoing a significant recalibration of our workforce. In a move that truly embodies the spirit of our company, we are saying goodbye to thousands of you. This is not a failure on your part, but rather a strategic realignment to leverage the incredible talent pools in countries where, let's be honest, the cost of living is more of a suggestion than a reality. We've always said our culture doesn't live in a place; it lives in our people. And now, our people will be living in a different place, and our culture will be living right here, in my bank account.
This difficult decision was made to ensure our continued profitability, and by "our" I mean mine. To all those who are leaving, I want you to know that your sacrifice has not gone unnoticed. It has, in fact, been quantified and will be reinvested into my third vacation home. Your hard work has built this company into the titan it is today, a titan that no longer needs you.
I understand that change can be difficult, especially for those of you who now need to find a new job. But please, focus on the positive. This is not a layoff; it's a "career transition opportunity" to explore new horizons that don't involve us.
I will be taking a personal day to process this emotionally taxing decision on a yacht. I encourage you all to reflect on how your unwavering dedication has contributed to this incredible moment.
Onward and upward,
Your CEO
4 replies (most recent on top)
Thank you! In the midst of all this depressing reality it’s nice to get a good laugh off of the back of Mike Wirth. To the board of Chevron, I hope that you will read all of these comments and see what a shithole Mike Wirth has turned this company into. It’s time for Mike Wirth to be put in scope.
The Messiah has spoken!!!! We the youthful, ambitious, and sycophantic leaders who twitch at your every keystroke will produce and spew PowerPoints outlining how culture knows no boundaries and how Chevron embraces poverty by ensuring all employees are in it. I am making up a special PowerBI report which reinforces the indirect relationship between morale and workload and highlights the marginal area of tolerance where the workforce waivers between leaving and staying. This way we can maximize blame on overdue deliverables to continue to keep downward pressure on promotions and raises while continuing to produce external facing cosmetics to appease the stock analysts and media. We have a team working on designing new heel taps for management's boots to be less disruptive during in person townhalls that we are looking forward to attending when you are able to emerge from your layoff bunker. In the interest of encouraging cultural sensitivity and inclusion, I have a special suggestion to our facility catering partners to consider offering more curry dishes in lieu of the Americana fare such as pizza, sandwiches, and barbeque as the demand for these food genres which diminish over time as the culture shifts. As another cost savings initiative, I am proud to suggest that we cut off the water supply to the HOU facilities on Mondays and Wednesdays so that our Houston workforce can grow to appreciate and to begin to adopt the conditions of our workforce in India. As a newly minted millennial manager (NM^3!), we are used to playing our video games from the comfort of our couches, so even though we will need our own offices, our tranche of managers agree that our direct reports don't need the extravagance of private cubes, but can work off either couches or benches in the new collaborative open workspace. We might even consider extending this open concept to the lavatories by removing the stall doors. This will greatly enhance cultural uptake during the proposed water outages on Monday and Wednesdays. We the team of NM^3s are highly motivated make this wonderful new organization work for you and the stockholders because we recognize that we will start turning fifty in just four short years and we will be laid off just like everyone else who has reached this magical age are seeing. PS, please send me your boots while you are taking your de-stress time on your yacht so I can get them polished up for you.
Most Kindest Regards,
Your Loving NM^3 management team.
XXXOXXXOXXXO :O
To whoever posted this and supplied the first response, you guys rock!!! These are so well-written & hit the nail on the head. At a time when so much is so dark, your posts have made me snort laugh. Thank you!
The Messiah has spoken!!!! We the youthful, ambitious, and sycophantic leaders who twitch at your every keystroke will produce and spew PowerPoints outlining how culture knows no boundaries and how Chevron embraces poverty by ensuring all employees are in it. I am making up a special PowerBI report which reinforces the indirect relationship between morale and workload and highlights the marginal area of tolerance where the workforce waivers between leaving and staying. This way we can maximize blame on overdue deliverables to continue to keep downward pressure on promotions and raises while continuing to produce external facing cosmetics to appease the stock analysts and media. We have a team working on designing new heel taps for management's boots to be less disruptive during in person townhalls that we are looking forward to attending when you are able to emerge from your layoff bunker. In the interest of encouraging cultural sensitivity and inclusion, I have a special suggestion to our facility catering partners to consider offering more curry dishes in lieu of the Americana fare such as pizza, sandwiches, and barbeque as the demand for these food genres which diminish over time as the culture shifts. As another cost savings initiative, I am proud to suggest that we cut off the water supply to the HOU facilities on Mondays and Wednesdays so that our Houston workforce can grow to appreciate and to begin to adopt the conditions of our workforce in India. As a newly minted millennial manager (NM^3!), we are used to playing our video games from the comfort of our couches, so even though we will need our own offices, our tranche of managers agree that our direct reports don't need the extravagance of private cubes, but can work off either couches or benches in the new collaborative open workspace. We might even consider extending this open concept to the lavatories by removing the stall doors. This will greatly enhance cultural uptake during the proposed water outages on Monday and Wednesdays. We the team of NM^3s are highly motivated make this wonderful new organization work for you and the stockholders because we recognize that we will start turning fifty in just four short years and we will be laid off just like everyone else who has reached this magical age are seeing. PS, please send me your boots while you are taking your de-stress time on your yacht so I can get them polished up for you.
Most Kindest Regards,
Your Loving NM^3 management team
XXXOXXXOXXXO :O