#humor

September 18, 2025
A Sincere Letter to Our Valued Team,
I am writing to you today with a heavy heart and a clear mind. As many of you know, I've always been a champion of efficiency, of "right-sizing" our corporate structure, and of what I've often referred to as "Transforming to Win" or "Leading Performance". I've always seen these actions as necessary, as a way to trim the fat and make us lean, mean, and profitable.
But lately, something has changed. My quarterly "talent re-calibration" became a monthly habit, then a weekly compulsion, and, if I'm being honest, sometimes an afternoon delight. I started seeing patterns in the employee directory that only I could see—a department with 12 people was "bloated," one with six was "inefficient," and one with a single person was "a silo." The spreadsheet with names and metrics became a siren's call. The little "delete" button next to your names became a part of me.
I would tell myself it was for the good of the company, that the stock price depended on it, or that we were just "optimizing for future growth." But in the quiet moments, I knew the truth. I am addicted to layoffs. The rush of sending that email, the satisfying thud of the "send" button, the immediate emptiness in the office as cubicles go dark—it's a high I just can't quit.
My family and friends have tried to intervene. They've found me at all hours of the night in the office, muttering about synergy and streamlining, with a half-eaten bag of chips and a list of employees whose positions are "redundant." Last week, I tried to lay off the mailman. Yesterday, I almost fired my own son for "not meeting key performance indicators" on his homework.
It’s clear I need help.
This is why, effective immediately, I will be checking into a specialized rehab facility. It’s called "Re-org Anonymous," and I am hopeful their 12-step program, which includes admitting I have a problem and making amends, will help me recover. I'll be working on my compulsive behaviors, focusing on healthy communication, and, most importantly, learning to value people over profit margins.
My temporary replacement, a well-balanced and very stable consultant who has a proven track record of not laying off anyone for at least three years, will be in charge. Please give them your full support.
Wish me luck. I'll see you all on the other side. And please, for the love of all that is profitable, don't mention the word "headcount" in my presence.

Sincerely,
Your CEO (and recovering "Optimizer")

Tales of Inside Sales – The Little Rep That Couldn’t

“I think I can… I think I can…”
The Little Rep stared at the quota sheet.
50% storage.
30% client.
20% server.
The hill was steep, the track endless, and the figures were stacked against her.

Each day the Rep huffed and puffed, pushing the deals uphill.
Storage? Not to be sold, but to make sure your paycheck stays small.
Enablement? Slides and Town Halls, not actual support.
Leadership? Preaching “don’t worry about your quota” while moving the goalposts.

Still, the Rep whispered,
“I think I can… I think I can…”

But the hill never ended.
The quota was designed that way.
A mountain with no top.
A target that disappears when you aim at it.

Meanwhile, at the station below, Wall Street clapped.
“Productivity is soaring!”
“Operating income improved!”
“Record profits!”

Promotions? None.
Merit? Withheld.
Because the Rep didn’t hit the fake number on the hill that can’t be climbed.

The Little Rep finally sighed:
“It’s not that I can’t.
It’s that they won’t let me.”

Dear Valued Employees,

As your fearless leader, I wanted to take a moment—between yacht meetings and bonus recalculations—to share my deep appreciation for everything you do to keep this company running while I take credit for it.

This quarter, we achieved record profits thanks to strategic decisions like laying off 20% of the workforce. I know some of you may be “concerned” about job security, but rest assured: my job is very secure.

Now, let’s talk about our exciting Return to Office initiative. While remote work increased productivity, morale, and sanity, we believe that forcing you back into cubicles fosters “collaboration.” What does that mean? We’re not sure. But it sounds good in shareholder meetings.

We’ve installed new badge scanners to track your arrival times, because nothing says trust like surveillance. And don’t worry—we’ve added inspirational posters in the break room to offset the existential dread.

As for me, I’ll continue working remotely from my ski lodge in Aspen. But I’ll be with you in spirit—and in quarterly earnings calls where I say “synergy” a lot.

Let’s keep pushing boundaries, cutting costs, and pretending this is all for innovation.

Warmest regards (from my heated pool),
Mike Wirth

Dearly beloved
We are gathered here today to get through this thing called working at Dow.
Electric word, work
It means it means hard work and we work for a mighty long time
But I'm here to tell you there's something else
Retirement
A world of never ending happiness
You can always see the sun
Day or night
So when you call up that shrink at Dow
You know the one, "Dr. Everything'll-be-alright"
Instead of asking him how much of your time is left
Ask him how much of your mind, baby
'Cause in this life things are much harder than in retirement
In this life you're on your own

It is June 2026 and following happened.

1) industry leader in Risk Management with sophisticated AI capabilities
2) All data domains fully operational with 0% data quality issues
3) Best in class straight through data processing capabilities
4) Successfully exited Consent Order
5) Stock price hit the roof and in 4-digits
6) Alarm went off and realized it was a dream. The nightmare was the date is June 2326 - two centuries from now to be even 50% true.

The chair i sat in today has been sat on by over 1000 different bottoms. The keyboard and mouse i handled, was handled by some poor snotty nose woman yesterday. This workstation has a weird smell to it.

Never been much of a city person. I know some of you folk are used to sharing subway trains and busses. Never had to do any of that myself and i sure am thankful. I can see how this.. ahem.. logic is applied here.

Its not that i dont enjoy sharing the workstation as Janice, Jessica, Albert, Ethan, Olivia, Mason, Sophia, Liam, Ava, Noah, Emma, Lucas, Isabella, Elijah, Mia, James, Harper, Alexander, Aria, Benjamin, Layla, William, Zoe, Daniel, Violet, Matthew, Chloe, Jacob, Stella, Samuel, Grace, Nathan, Audrey, Henry, Scarlett, Owen, Lily, Caleb, Nova, Isaac, Riley, Julian, Penelope, Carter, Savannah, Leo, Autumn, Gabriel, Hailey, Wyatt, Aurora, and Miles, its just.. I'm not used to it i guess? Look, i get it, i'm just a spoiled first world country person.

I did invest in my own car to get here. So at least thats still private. I'm told everyone can see all the things i type and do on the computer. Not sure why they would be interested in the boring things that i do, but okay.

I am getting better at tuning out my paripheal vision since Paul is sitting close enough that i can see his mouth moving (hes chewing some gum). I was thinking about having him look over this email im about to send to Sanjeet Pashminderdajeed, he's the one heading our big project from india. I wonder what its like over there this time of year? I'm losing my train of thought, what was i doing? Ah right, trying to tune out Pauls gum chewing habit. Oh look at that, its time for lunch! I wonder what the vending machine has in store today?

The two slack groups in the subject are gone as of this evening. There was a lot of posting from/about laid-off coworkers in #watercooler, while #wtf was ultimately a self-help group (with some blowing-off-steam, and good humor as well).

The death-knell has been sounded, for any semblance of life at Oracle prior to the 2025 layoffs.

I guess we get to keep #dad-jokes, a crumb left behind.

It appears some big news may or may not be announced this week. I’ve heard it may or may not affect teammates. That said, the source isn’t especially reliable, so it’s difficult to know for sure so it may or may not happen.

So we’re driving cross-functional teams, leveraging cross-functional strategies, to unlock cross-functional synergies that empower cross-functional outcomes in a cross-functional ecosystem of cross-functional alignment across cross-functional verticals ultimately delivering cross-functional innovation at cross-functional scale with cross-functional excellence

very cross-functional I can say

Here's what I'm seeing. lmk of comments or your alternatives...

1. Paramount Pictures has a new docu-series about the purchase of Paramount by skydance. DE to play himself and/or choose Tom C. Fran Drescher to play Shari Redstone. Jonah Hill to play Bob B.

2. P+ limited series about the making of Top G-n 2. DE to play himself as the writer, producer, creator, etc. Lots of lawsuits about those credits

3. Ridiculousness: The Movie. Yeah Chris M is gone, but his recent first look lives on.

4. Imposter Island: CBS pres GC is the star of this reality tv show about people without principles.

5. Underwater: Showtime's latest "succession" style drama goes through what happens when a tiny operation installs its leadership to digest a giant whale they are not equipped to handle. Maybe firing lots of people will make the task easier? We'll find out...

Here’s how it all went down. I was on vacation at the beach, sipping a piña colada, when my manager sent me a text message saying it was an emergency and that I needed to get back to her immediately. I couldn't believe it. Was I really that important? Feeling a rush of self-importance, I replied, "Yes, boss, how can I help?" She then sent me a Zoom link.

I joined the meeting with my camera on so she could see how hard I was working - taking calls at the beach like a LinkedIn entrepreneur on the grind. However, I was surprised to see my skip-level manager on the call, complete with the classic Oracle fake office Zoom background. That's when it hit me: I had read stories on thelayoff.com about situations just like this. I was about to get laid off!

Thinking quickly, I decided to flip the script. Half-drunk, I blurted out, "I’m sorry to inform you that your positions have been eliminated. You will receive an email from HR shortly." The women on the screen widened their eyes in shock, and as they began to protest, the AI system took over and promptly shut them off. Their desperate cries echoed in my ears, and I couldn't believe it. I checked my Slack, and they were gone.

A few days later, when I returned to the office, my peers told me how our managers had indeed been laid off, and their anguished cries still echoed during subsequent Zoom meetings. And here I am, still in disbelief. Now, the last round of my RSUs will vest this month, and with the stock price where it is, I can retire and spend the rest of my days sipping piña coladas at the beach.

Just remember, if you find yourself about to be let go, flip the script, and daddy AI might just rescue you.

DXC = Delivering eXcr-ment to our Customers and Colleagues!

Heard it from my LL6 who's husband is in Finance. Sounds like a big one.

It feels like Yong-Hee has visited every location, region and remote worker over the last two weeks. Squid Games is real and we know LE and Catz are the ones in the masks calling the shots when it hits RED. The only ones left getting Mr Piggy are the not the workers thats for sure.

About Oracle Corp.:
The Oracle Corporation is a large global computer technology company with the main office located in Redwood City, California. ???

Austin, TX soon to be somewhere in Pigs Knuckle. TN

is that a bug or a feature

First, Circle back Low-hanging fruit Bandwidth Ping Sync Loop in Double-click Level set Run it up the flagpole Boil the ocean Move the needle Circle of competence

Then, On the same page Game changer Pushback Buy-in Hit the ground running Value-add Quick win Blue-sky thinking Win-win Touch base

And to wrap it up, Peel the onion Outside the box Swim lane Parking lot Actionable Granular Raise the bar

To All Employees Making $200,000 or Less,

This year’s Labor Day marks a historic shift in our national priorities. No longer shall this holiday be squandered on leisure and rest. Instead, we dedicate it to the true pillars of our economy: corporations and shareholders.

Effective immediately, all workers earning under $200,000 annually are required to report to work on Labor Day. Wages for this day will be graciously withheld in honor of those who truly labor—the board members and investors who bear the burden of quarterly earnings calls.

Refusal to comply will be met with swift and patriotic consequences. Jail time will be administered with love and liberty. 🇺🇸🫡

Let us celebrate Labor Day the American way: by working harder, earning less, and saluting those who profit most.

Yours in freedom,
#47