#satire

Morale is struggling, so naturally the answer is more tracking, more reporting, and more micromanagement. Let's help leadership out and crowdsource some new ideas.

I've got a few to get us started:

Require all reps to share their phone location 24/7.
Distribute mandatory Apple AirTag necklaces so management never loses sight of anyone.
Require reps to check in from a bookstore landline every morning and every afternoon.
Install a dashboard showing how long each rep spends parked in a parking lot.
Require hourly selfies with customers to prove relationship building is occurring.
Daily Teams meetings to discuss progress made since the previous Teams meeting.
Mandatory "enthusiasm score" submitted at the end of each day.
GPS-enabled company shirts so leadership can track employee engagement in real time.
Require reps to livestream campus visits so managers can coach every conversation.
Weekly reports explaining why last week's reports were accurate.
Issue smartwatches that vibrate whenever a rep hasn't entered Salesforce data within 15 minutes.
Create a Power BI dashboard tracking Power BI dashboard usage.
Require manager approval before entering and exiting every building.
Monthly morale surveys followed by mandatory coaching sessions for anyone reporting low morale.
Introduce a "trust but verify" program where nobody is trusted and everything is verified.
Install QR codes throughout campus. Reps must scan one every 20 minutes to prove they're still working.

Maybe we're overlooking the obvious solution. If morale isn't improving after six months of increased oversight, perhaps the answer is even more oversight.

After all, nothing says "we value our employees" quite like treating them like parolees with Salesforce licenses.

Two empty skycrapers
Only one employee left inside

It's 2030, every job has been automated. Facilities issues are handled by robots. Desks are empty. Nobody from security staff to janitors to executives are left. All of the doors are locked. The lights are on. A.I. took over all parts of business function or the jobs have been outsourced, but those went away as well. The company is still around, profits and stock are trading really high, but none of the staff are needed any more, executives don't need to hold meetings for anyone, all but one person is left.

That person is me and I'm not sure how they overlooked me, I don't do anything, but I'm still getting paid.

The turkey is roasting, the pie's cooling fine,
But the DC in Memphis just dropped off the line.
The pickers stand idle, the conveyors won't run,
And the one guy who knew why got cut. Job well done.
Leadership gathers to carve up the bird,
They saved forty percent, or so they have heard.
"The cloud runs itself!" says a VP with pride,
As the core network fails over to the wrong side.
Black Friday is coming, the site's under strain,
The cart says "Checkout," then it errors again.
The ticket gets opened, reassigned, and then closed:
"Root cause: unknown," as everyone knows.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through HQ,
Not a system was working, and the outages grew.
The pagers were buzzing, the bridge call was packed,
With forty-two people and nobody who had the facts.
The offshore team patched during peak shopping time,
On a change that got "approved" without one sign-off line.
They rebooted prod when they meant to hit test,
Then marked it "resolved" and went home with the rest.
They followed a runbook ten years out of date,
To servers long gone, so the fix came in late.
When the DCs went dark half a world away,
The ticket just sat till the start of their day.
Up on the top floor, by a fire's warm glow,
Leadership toasts to the savings they show.
They can't tell a server from a sneaker's new sole,
But a spreadsheet said cutting us made the quarter look whole.
So Merry Christmas, Swoosh, from the glue you let go.
We kept the lights on for years. Now you finally know.
"Just Do It," you told us, and we did, every day.
So who's doing it now that you sent us away?

Ahoy crew! Hope everyone enjoyed their weekend ashore. For those of us still aboard the SS Comcast, don’t forget your buckets tomorrow. 🪣

Apparently we’re taking on water, losing passengers, splitting the fleet in half and somehow this is all part of the captain’s brilliant new navigation strategy. Versant already sailed off, NBCUniversal and Sky are preparing to depart, and the rest of us are apparently being left on the Xfinity life raft with a couple of captains from DIRECTV.

Some of our finest crew members were just forced ashore. People who spent years keeping this ship running. Meanwhile, the folks who helped steer us into this mess are still up on the bridge telling us to row faster.

We’ve lost so many passengers that even the people on shore are reporting on this disaster. But don’t worry, the captain says we’re making excellent progress. We tried sending a distress signal to Crew Relations, but apparently that department only handles complaints from the captain.

McKinsey is probably upstairs figuring out how many more deckhands we can throw overboard before the ship technically qualifies as a canoe.

To everyone who was forced ashore, you deserved better. You weren’t the ones steering this thing. And to the rest of us still aboard, grab your buckets. We’ve got another week of keeping this motherf----rafloat while the bridge congratulates itself on a successful transformation.

Remember crew, we’re not sinking. We’re simplifying the vessel to improve operational agility.

Reporting from below deck. Still waiting for someone to explain who’s actually driving this fu--ing boat.

https://youtu.be/OwfNjGxa_D4?si=_rYgj2tH9HnEr0Z4

I don’t know why, but John Daly has always given me retired Pepsi bottler energy. Just showing up on a Saturday morning with a Diet Pepsi and a cigarette like, “Alright boys, how’s the market looking?”

I've designed a new ranking system. Employees are ranked only during their first ten years. After ten years, they receive tenure and are guaranteed employment, benefits, and peace.

Poor performance? Your salary stagnates. No raises. No promotions. But no PIPs, no layoffs, and no more competing against the pledges.

Only younger employees compete. They have the energy, ambition, and sufficient remaining lifespan to recover from defeat.

Tenured employees may supplement their income by placing bets on which younger employees will survive the annual ranking cycle.

We may also sponsor promising contestants, share institutional knowledge, and help our favorites avoid elimination. Participation is entirely voluntary.

The young compete. The tenured observe.

After decades in the arena, we've earned the right to sit in the stands.

Preferably with popcorn. Thoughts? The only thing I'm flexible on the number of years. Should it be 10 years, 15, 20? Also supervisors dont rank, the tenured employees rank by voting

Amigos, i did it again, Turnover has gone below $12 billion, book to bill below 1, fcf i included the TCS payout to confuse them. Had them cornered used the usual project delays, execution could be improved, more severe employee cuts to follow decline, i have brought in Paul who will fix it. Im just loving the dream, off to buy that yacht and Ferrari. Oh pay rises for you next year, i mean sometime next decade haha adios amigo.

Hi Gang its that time again need to talk some b4ll again, i've been busy with my sports stuff and with Holly doing the world holiday tour, i mean meeting customers. Would you believe its my 3rd year shrinking the company as GROWTH CEO, my bank balance has gone up massive, DXC is a great sideline. I have put in a couple of extra layers in Paul T and co, so dont know whats going on really. I dont do any Town Halls or anything other work. Anyhow i can use macro, project delays, middle east, oil price, uncertainty, ai, oasis and other excuses and make capital out of the insurance sale. But if you have anymore ideas let me know... year 4 and more free money upwards and onwards asta la vista babies.

nuts 🥜

Let me quickly share a rumor before I find out it's not true. Space X shall soon take over T as most employees are laid off with the few remaining sky rocketed into outer space and beyond. The legacy network will be sunsetted and the wireless network run by AI tools in Moscow. The orbital path of our planet will be redirected on course to collide with Pluto. All of your dedicated work shall soon be meaningless as you and your world are purged.

Is it true that the board will approve Charlie's request to rename Wells Fargo to ChaseFargo once Charlie has recruited his 100th executive from Chase? Just wondering?

Wael is going to trade Woodcreek away for a satchel of magic beans that can grow wells

It all makes sense now. I can already hear the LT clapping.

will keep quacking quacking until it takes everything down with it!

And you thought I was the problem. LMAO

🚨 URGENT: Mandatory Work Profile Update 🚨

“Hey team! To ensure seamless communication during upcoming organizational alignments, please double-check that your personal email address and cell phone number are fully up to date in your Workday profile. Nothing to worry about, just routine hygiene! 😊👍”

So... who else is ready for the Great October Bloodbath? 🩸📉

Nothing screams "we value our people right before we lock your SSO accounts at 4:59 PM on a Friday" quite like asking everyone to voluntarily hand over their personal contact info so HR can email your termination paperwork directly to your iPad.

Can't wait to find out if my next manager is going to be an AI spreadsheet or just a cardboard box in the lobby. Who's bringing the champagne for the exit interviews? 🥂✨

Team,

As many of you know, we are navigating an unprecedented convergence of commodity headwinds. Aluminum prices have skyrocketed. Diesel remains stubbornly uncontrollable. Inflation continues, regrettably, to inflate.

In light of these macro realities, we are making a few adjustments that we're confident will bring us closer together as a family.

Compensation: There will be no raises this year. We know you understand.

Effort: We need everyone to work significantly harder. To be clear, this is not related to the compensation update above.

Travel: Effective immediately, all business travel is suspended. To support this, we need each of you to travel to the office. In person. Regularly.

We recognize many of you accepted remote roles and relocated based on our assurance that you could live wherever you liked. We stand by that. You can still live there. You just need to be here.

Vehicles: To help with that commute, we are reclaiming the company vehicles provided when you accepted your roles.

Every one of these decisions was made with a single goal in mind: helping you become an even better employee of the company you love.

Thank you for your continued sacrifice. We truly couldn't do this without you. Literally.

Leadership

I have a $7m net worth, two paid off homes. I still kind of don't want to be laid off after 25 years. I have $400k of unvested stock which means I make $400k a year the next 3 years. How about all you other Intellionaires?

I got hired and been rockstar for the last 3 weeks. I’m getting great feedback from the cross functions teams and manager. I don’t get why the promotion hasn’t hit yet. I brought this up to my manager and he keeps saying it’s too soon.

That’s ridiculous. If they want me to work a 3 person job then they need to compensate me for it!

This company is filled with lies. They said I’ll have a great career here at my interview. It’s more like a dead end job.

I work here and its a great place!

I started a McDonald’s franchise where I get steady yet decent income. I no longer stress about layoffs. I just hope you guys can come to my McDonald’s buy my Big Macs!

Our indian friend Arvind is about to anounce the rename of the company to International Id--ts Machines.

This name sounds so much better according to the current situstion of the company plently of id--ts.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/jcW-WvVGWuU

Just checking in on my old Crown family. I hear things are going… great.

Culture at an all-time low.
More reorgs. More layoff rumors.
Eight job openings.
Stock anxiety.
People asking, “Why are you still here?”
And apparently SpaceX may need 1.5 MILLION small cells.

😳

Now I’m not saying I told y’all so about small cells…

But I did tell y’all so about small cells.

Repeatedly.

Then Elliott showed up and apparently somebody decided, “You know what this company needs? LESS GROWTH.”

Bold strategy. 😂

Back in my day we had towers, fiber, small cells, arguments, problems, purple everywhere — and somehow people still did the damn work.

Now I’m reading headlines like:

“Crown Culture at an All-Time Low”
“What’s Next?”
“Stock is Suffering”
“Hollow Words and Heavy Workloads”
“Why Are You Still Here?”

Good Lord, people. I leave for a minute… 😂

Meanwhile, I’m doing great.

Building homes for families with my buddy David and friends. 🏠
Raising six kids.
Helping save babies.
Trying to do the work the Lord calls me to do.

Turns out I may have picked a pretty good time to leave corporate America.

But I genuinely miss y’all — and I’ll always have a soft spot for the years we spent Living the Purple Life. 💜

Which does leave me with one question:

What color are y’all living now?

Because judging by these headlines, it sure as he-l ain’t purple.

Love y’all.
— Your boy JayB

Is the only word that can describe PayPal

All this talk about layoffs and VSPS. Come on people- aren’t you watching the news - it’s not about war or inflation or layoffs. Dolly P went tats up. A little respect…

🍲 Starter: Jargon soup
🍽️ Main course: Store visits
🥗 Side: Scorecard salad — results free
🍰 Dessert: Scoops of accents

Fortress of solitude

https://youtube.com/shorts/XK3xIjofxZ0?is=uJCfw1x5fbsKjKyW

I’m at the heart of the chains. And the beatings build me character!

Everyone has been ordered to RTO… Nobody said you had to go INSIDE.

Welcome to the Parking Lot, Suite 2026.

BBQ grill next to the company-issued laptop.

Burgers at 11:47 AM because “lunch meeting.”

Tailgate chairs for the 9 AM Zoom.

Beverages in the cooler labeled “Q4 Financials.”

Wi-Fi mysteriously works better next to the smoker.

Productivity is down 87%, but morale is at an all-time high.

HR: “Why is everyone working outside?”

Employees: “We’re embracing the company’s return-to-office initiative.”

HR: “Why is there a grill?”

Employees: “Team building.”

HR: “Why are there 37 folding chairs?”

Employees: “Collaboration.”

HR: “Who brought the co-----e set?”

Employees: “Leadership.”

At this point, the parking lot isn’t a parking lot.

It’s a corporate tailgate with benefits.

Welcome back, everyone. Please remember to badge into the building before returning to your assigned folding chair.

Our CEO didn’t get GM initials for nothing .

G.M:
Good Man
Great Mentor
Generous millionaire
Giving Man
Godly Man
Good-looking man
Even “My Guy”is GM backwards lol

As Tina would sing … Your simply the best..🎶🎶🎶 Better than all the rest 🎶🎶
Better than anyone… anyone I’ve ever met!

And to all the fat and miserable haters from Minnesota, go back to McDonalds, get a happy meal !LOL

🤫

Just saying, so much fluff OMG

RIP Nike
https://youtu.be/iyEpYUCMUr8

U of M should be DIMBY (Datacenter In My Back Yard). The students will get faster Chat GPT results with the datacenter so close.

Men are leaving the workforce at alarming rates, threatening social stability.

44.07 million eligible men are not in the labor force, an increase of 9 million since 2012.

The workforce participation rate for men dropped to 66.8%, the lowest since 1948.

Bottom Line

Both entities suffer from the same fatal flaw: an obsession with defending legacy turf at the expense of sustainable growth. When leadership views customers and competitors as hostile land-grabbers, strategy devolves into pure protectionism, and eventually, the ranch runs out of money to keep the fence up.

The Spoiler

Verizon will ultimately be sold just like the Yellowstone ranch. Leave the ranch before you're forced to.

Lloyd

​Network Operations & Infrastructure as Rip

​The Shared Flaw: Blind loyalty to muscle over strategy.

​The Parallels: Rip is the fixer who relies on blunt force and absolute enforcement to solve problems. Verizon’s network engineering arm operates with a similar "brand-at-all-costs" muscle, leaning heavily on the legacy "most reliable network" moniker while pounding away at capital expenditure. They fix structural leaks through sheer spend and infrastructure brute force, ignoring the fact that consumer patience is wearing dangerously thin.