#humor

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An Ode for this Holiday RCW

The turkey is roasting, the pie's cooling fine,
But the DC in Memphis just dropped off the line.
The pickers stand idle, the conveyors won't run,
And the one guy who knew why got cut. Job well done.
Leadership gathers to carve up the bird,
They saved forty percent, or so they have heard.
"The cloud runs itself!" says a VP with pride,
As the core network fails over to the wrong side.
Black Friday is coming, the site's under strain,
The cart says "Checkout," then it errors again.
The ticket gets opened, reassigned, and then closed:
"Root cause: unknown," as everyone knows.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through HQ,
Not a system was working, and the outages grew.
The pagers were buzzing, the bridge call was packed,
With forty-two people and nobody who had the facts.
The offshore team patched during peak shopping time,
On a change that got "approved" without one sign-off line.
They rebooted prod when they meant to hit test,
Then marked it "resolved" and went home with the rest.
They followed a runbook ten years out of date,
To servers long gone, so the fix came in late.
When the DCs went dark half a world away,
The ticket just sat till the start of their day.
Up on the top floor, by a fire's warm glow,
Leadership toasts to the savings they show.
They can't tell a server from a sneaker's new sole,
But a spreadsheet said cutting us made the quarter look whole.
So Merry Christmas, Swoosh, from the glue you let go.
We kept the lights on for years. Now you finally know.
"Just Do It," you told us, and we did, every day.
So who's doing it now that you sent us away?

#Memphis #Poetry #Satire #Humor

🚢 SS Comcast Maritime Disaster Team Monday Morning Distress Report

Ahoy crew! Hope everyone enjoyed their weekend ashore. For those of us still aboard the SS Comcast, don’t forget your buckets tomorrow. 🪣

Apparently we’re taking on water, losing passengers, splitting the fleet in half and somehow this is all part of the captain’s brilliant new navigation strategy. Versant already sailed off, NBCUniversal and Sky are preparing to depart, and the rest of us are apparently being left on the Xfinity life raft with a couple of captains from DIRECTV.

Some of our finest crew members were just forced ashore. People who spent years keeping this ship running. Meanwhile, the folks who helped steer us into this mess are still up on the bridge telling us to row faster.

We’ve lost so many passengers that even the people on shore are reporting on this disaster. But don’t worry, the captain says we’re making excellent progress. We tried sending a distress signal to Crew Relations, but apparently that department only handles complaints from the captain.

McKinsey is probably upstairs figuring out how many more deckhands we can throw overboard before the ship technically qualifies as a canoe.

To everyone who was forced ashore, you deserved better. You weren’t the ones steering this thing. And to the rest of us still aboard, grab your buckets. We’ve got another week of keeping this motherf----rafloat while the bridge congratulates itself on a successful transformation.

Remember crew, we’re not sinking. We’re simplifying the vessel to improve operational agility.

Reporting from below deck. Still waiting for someone to explain who’s actually driving this fu--ing boat.

#Humor #Sarcasm #Satire

Humana Suppresses The Truth and any Honest Negative Feedback or Coverage

This time of year, during AEP, Humana seeks to stifle anything negative on here, on LinkedIn, on Reddit, and even the news Media

They shamefully pay off all sources that could make them look bad.

If it could be proven we could probably sue some of these organizations for censorship by means of being bribed.

#Censorship #CorporateCulture #CorporateDoublespeak #Feedback #Humor

Space T

Let me quickly share a rumor before I find out it's not true. Space X shall soon take over T as most employees are laid off with the few remaining sky rocketed into outer space and beyond. The legacy network will be sunsetted and the wireless network run by AI tools in Moscow. The orbital path of our planet will be redirected on course to collide with Pluto. All of your dedicated work shall soon be meaningless as you and your world are purged.

#Humor #Satire

$7M Net Worth

I have a $7m net worth, two paid off homes. I still kind of don't want to be laid off after 25 years. I have $400k of unvested stock which means I make $400k a year the next 3 years. How about all you other Intellionaires?

#Humor #Satire

Our corporate Rosetta Stone everyone

The translation of every phrase I’ve heard in here
"I see leadership potential."
real meaning: you’ll blindly accept more responsibility than your peers.
"Take ownership." Real meaning : the problem is now yours.
"Great visibility opportunity." : Lots of people will know if it goes wrong.
"Development opportunity." :Extra work instead of extra pay.
"We're empowering you.": You own the outcome but not the decisions.
"Stretch assignment." This is my favourite :): 
Do the next level job without the pay of next level title.
"You're a key member of the team." : We really don't want you leaving.
"Let's discuss promotion next cycle." : Please stay motivated for another six months as that what I’m being evaluated on.
"We need you where you are." you’re too useful for to promote right now.
"Thank you for your flexibility." We've noticed you don't say no. lol!

#CorporateCulture #Promotion #Responsibility #Workload #Humor