The Seven Species of LinkedIn
A field guide for the modern professional jungle. Bring your coffee and your sense of irony.
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- The Drum Beater
“Achievement unlocked: updated my email signature.”
Celebrates everything — from finishing a webinar to surviving Monday. If self-promotion were cardio, this one would be marathon-ready.
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- The “Humbled” Achiever
“So humbled to announce that I’m basically amazing.”
Masters the ancient art of bragging while pretending not to. Their posts start with false modesty and end with 1,200 likes.
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- The Thought Leader
“Innovation is just passion wearing a tie.”
Part philosopher, part buzzword generator. Communicates exclusively in abstract nouns — synergy, authenticity, disruption — as if they’re paid by the syllable.
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- The Motivational Evangelist
“I spilled coffee on myself — and learned a valuable lesson about leadership.”
Turns every life event into an inspirational parable. A broken laptop? A metaphor for resilience. A delayed flight? Proof that patience is a skill set.
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- The Corporate Citizen
“Proud to be part of a company that’s making the world slightly better — at least in our press release.”
Their posts are indistinguishable from the HR department’s. They clap for every culture initiative like it’s the Super Bowl halftime show.
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- The Sycophant
“Brilliant insight, boss! (Please notice me.)”
The algorithm’s most loyal servant. Likes, comments, and reposts with the precision of a political campaign. Never misses a chance to congratulate management for “inspiring leadership.”
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- The Silent Lurker
“Just here for the sociology experiment.”
Never posts. Never likes. Knows everyone’s promotion history and engagement stats by heart. The digital equivalent of the person at a party who stands by the snack table quietly judging everyone.