#humor

Amdocs was founded in Israel in 1982, and partially acquired by SBC in 1985.
What they don’t tell you, is the project that led them to being acquired so fast, was actually the first android project in the world, called Project Stank.
It’s not publicized, because the android they created, could only sh-t out of his mouth, and not his a-s.
However, there was a problem with Project Stank’s gastrointestinal system, leading to the android only being able to say the word, “Fiber”.
Amdocs sold the project to SBC and it is now our CEO

What am I seeing right now, is this real life???

I’m hoping this is just a bad dream due to an undercooked potato. We will all wake up and it’ll be Christmas morning.
Unfortunately, I’m sure I’ll find a lump of coal in my stocking stamped WF.
Come tomorrow, if you see a Band-Aid on my finger, it’s because I had to pr--k my finger in order to log into my work computer. This company is taking authentication to the next level.

...when AT&T was cutting cutting cutting and people said "That's what "AT&T" now stands for." We've come a long way, huh?

I seent a former C suite employee, who ran another E&P company into the ground and got laid off, at a Loves Truck Stop. Had that cheesy grin and walked a little light in the loaders so yup just another Saturday night for him.

It takes 4 steps:
1 Offer help
2 Cause a trouble that breaks things down
3 Come to the rescue with a makeshift solution only he/she knows how it works
4 Repeat above steps to take credits time and time again, and become indispensable.


In fact, that is also how we as a company thrive. After all, the CEO wants to “help every person and every organization on the planet”


Be Mike

Destroy your ability to explore to such a degree that you have to purchase companies and talent just to compete.

Destroy your talent pipeline through repeated reorgs and attrition so that the least qualified are the only ones that remain.

Move regional jobs offshore to nations where turnover is high, official holidays are numerous, and most importantly are experiencing massive rates of resume / experience fraud.

Create a work environment where people are demoralized, distracted, and distressed.

Cut or degrade meaningful benefits that help people deal with stress and mental health issues in their private lives often caused by the realities of their work lives.

Blame the U.S. workforce when incidents occur.

Rinse & repeat.

Use this board to call in sick or have your days off approved. Afterall, HR is watching.

Heck, put in a ticket and you'll get a faster response.

Believe me now?

I just spoke with DAS. Back in June 2022 it looks like they uploaded Maurice to the cloud. This explains the robotic answers, the bad writing and his inability to read. It also explains any future attempts to automate your work and work we so that you make less money and work less hours.
He will be put back in his body when his total income exceeds $100 billion per year.
This is all pretty hush hush but on good authority.

I copied it from the ExxonMobil side of this website:

https://youtube.com/shorts/ROHUBawQAPo?si=-37CT0-QZAOs7TOU

I think it’s a copy of the 14.1 user manual and all of FLD’s crayon drawings

Board of Directors asked Chat GPT, “How do you run a successful Telecommunications company?” and it analyzed all of the companies in the industry and their earnings reports in years of growth and just charted out a five year plan. Its first suggestion was eliminating the entire senior leadership team and their chief of staff entourages. Saves hundreds of millions in first year. Use that money to staff network, call centers, retail and business with honest employees that won’t be forced to sell boomerangs like DTV, MPP, etc. Customer retention jumps to all time high. Sell high rent office buildings and all employees work from home but performance measures are customers engaged, sales processed, fiber footage. Output will triple. Each employee gets 5 extra days of vacation (to compensate for the 5 taken away) and older employees no longer targeted for surplus and instead many will be rehired on basis of the fact they grew AT&T to the 100 million power house it was under Ralph De La Vega. Oh, and Leading with Distinction will now be 12 Tik Tok reels starring Tom Hanks just saying “Don’t buy any billion dollar companies, just focus on helping customers reset voicemail passwords.”

Hello everybody in want to warn the community about the mcdonal near the office. I ordered a large fry and all I got was a regular. They think I’m up in hear playing but I got news for them:

I ain’t.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMFLC7IS4QA&list=TLPQMDIxMDIwMjUL_TeNWO39JA&index=6

Buckle up and pull those straps tight - Do you have what it takes to hold on?

💀🧛‍♂️ Working at Lumen sometimes feels like being in a vampire clan.
• We work best in the dark (data centers, anyone?).
• We su-k the life out of bandwidth — in the best way possible.
• We’ve been around for ages and still keep reinventing ourselves (eternal life, corporate edition).
• And of course, we don’t sparkle in the sunlight… but our fiber sure does. ✨

At least the fangs come in handy for chewing through red tape.

.... if RTO == "Really Tempting Offer" to work somewhere else! XD

Subject: Strategic Excellence Through Incompetence: A Tribute to Our Leadership Icons

To: All Remaining Employees
From: Office of Executive Gaslighting
Date: Whenever We Feel Like It

Dear Valued Headcount,

As we enter Q4 of our Transformation Through Attrition initiative, it’s time to celebrate the visionary leadership that has guided us through this era of strategic confusion and morale erosion.

🥇 The CEO of Vague Promises
Continues to inspire us with an uncanny ability to say absolutely nothing in 500 words. Whether it’s a town hall, a shareholder call, or a “fireside chat” with no fire and no chat, this leader delivers the kind of guidance that makes you question whether leadership is even real. Motto: “We’re committed to change, unless it’s hard.”

😬 The EVP of Smile-Based Threats
This executive’s smile has been scientifically proven to trigger involuntary compliance. No need for logic, empathy, or a coherent strategy—just a grin wide enough to make you forget your job was eliminated during the last reorg. Signature move? Smiling while saying, “We value our people,” as the badge reader deactivates.

🛠️ Upcoming Initiatives

• Project Gaslight 360: A new performance review system where your rating is inversely proportional to your usefulness.
• Operation Smile & Sever: A pilot program where layoff notices are delivered with a complimentary dental mirror.
• The Way Forward: A leadership training module that teaches you how to speak for 45 minutes without committing to anything.

Thank you for your continued resilience, compliance, and silence. Remember: dissent is a performance issue, and performance issues are HR’s favorite flavor.

Warmest regards,
The Leadership Simulation Team
“We’re not real leaders, but we play them in quarterly reports.”

Hey, laid off over 3 years ago. Just wondering what is happening at good ole(d?) Wells Fargo. Ran across this youtube short https://www.youtube.com/shorts/kqLz53z8Inc and thought that might be the situation.

Quarter end is nigh. The layoffs winds are gathering yet again.

• Gordon Lightfoot

#567, oh #ATT what a dive,
Out of six hundred companies, we are barely alive.
A “best place to work”? That’s hilarious, what a joke,
We a dumpster on fire, our leaders breathing in smoke.

“How and where we work” leaders spoke with pride,
But our survey results told them, bend over, open wide
Obsessed with RTO like it’s some grand prize,
Congrats—you invented another brand new lie

Leadership’s invisible, replaced with a culture,
Strategy’s thinner than a hungry a$$ vulture
Merit’s long forgotten, replaced with DEI and RTO
Morale’s on permanent vacation and sipping Merlot

So here’s to AT&T, ranked #567,
A workplace from he-l, with no leadership or direction
If failure was an art, we absolutely mastered its design
A masterclass mess, one disaster at a time.

I lost my job at the hot chicken sandwich company today. They called it a “strategic restructure.” I called it getting canned from a place that sells spicy bird meat.

They pulled me into the “Cayenne Conference Room” — aka the breakroom — and told me my “passion” wasn’t a good fit. Translation: I ranked our worst customers on a whiteboard and started a petition for bigger sauce cups.

I packed my ranch packets, flipped the “open” sign to “closed,” and walked out smelling like ghost pepper and poor decisions.

Hot chicken? Sure. Hot mess? Absolutely

Subject: An Important Update on Our Path to Prosperity
Dear Valued Employees,
I hope this letter finds you well and brimming with the same unwavering commitment to excellence that has defined our collective journey. As you know, we recently made some difficult but necessary adjustments to our organizational structure. While we deeply regret the temporary disruption this caused to our talent pool, we are thrilled to report that these decisive actions have yielded remarkable results, bringing us tantalizingly close to our shared goal: an overflowing trough for our truly deserving shareholders.
The good news is, our shareholders are still hungry. Very, very hungry. We have been informed that their yachts are only getting longer, and their summer homes are in dire need of additional wings. To ensure our most important stakeholders can continue to thrive in the manner to which they have become accustomed, we are implementing a few additional, innovative efficiency measures. We are confident these changes will foster a new era of employee resourcefulness and contribute directly to the financial well-being of those who matter most.
Phase I: The "Enriching Austerity" Initiative
Here are some of the exciting new protocols you can look forward to:

• The "Personal Comfort" Program: The company will no longer be providing toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels. We ask that you bring your own supplies from home to ensure your personal comfort and hygiene needs are met. This small sacrifice represents a massive saving that will go directly toward a new, diamond-encrusted doorknob for the CEO's office.
• The "Time is Money" Restroom Timer: To help you maximize your on-the-clock productivity, we are installing timers in all restroom stalls. Each employee will be allotted a generous two-minute period per use. Any time beyond the two-minute limit will be docked from your monthly bonus. For those with more complex needs, a "platinum tier" unlimited use pass will be available for purchase at the low, low price of $100 a month.
• The "Sustainable Illumination" Fee: The cost of electricity is skyrocketing, so we have decided to turn the power back over to the people! Effective immediately, there will be a small monthly fee of $5 per employee for the privilege of using the lights at your desk. Consider it an investment in your personal visibility and career advancement. Coffee will be sold at a $5 surcharge.
• The "Shared Responsibility" Custodial Program: Our beloved custodial staff, who have served us so well for so many years, have been released from their duties so they may pursue other ventures, such as applying for unemployment. To fill this critical gap, all janitorial duties will now be the responsibility of the lowest-ranked employees in each department. We believe this will foster a new sense of community and humility.
• The "Optimal Workspace" Initiative: For those with too much space, we are selling your extra square footage. For those who need to buy back some space, we can accommodate that at a high cost. Also, we are taking away your personal desk chairs and selling them on the open market. Feel free to bring your own stool, yoga ball, or a comfortable milk crate. This initiative will not only save the company thousands of dollars but also promotes better posture and core strength.
  We understand these changes may seem challenging, but we ask that you view them not as cuts, but as opportunities—opportunities to show your dedication, to embrace resourcefulness, and to contribute to the unparalleled opulence of those at the very top.
  With utmost sincerity,
  The Management Team

1.  Hood-Slang Gripe

– “Bunny slippers walkin’ soft while the floor cracks. Ghosts in suits, jokers smilin’. Whole place busy lookin’ busy.”

2.  Puzzle Riddle

– “Three shadows in glass towers: one hides, one smiles, one delays. The silence says more than the meetings.”

3.  Scavenger Clues

– “Slippers in ashes. Ghost in the copy room. Joker by the café line. Put the pieces together.”

4.  Hood + Gallows Humor

– “Busywork ain’t hustle, it’s camouflage. Suits playin’ games while the ground gives way.”

5.  Dark Teaser

– “The slippers, the mask, the joker — none for comfort, joy, or laughs. Just uniforms for rot.”

I hope this note finds you well, though I'm sure it won't.
Team,
As you know, our mission has always been to innovate, to disrupt, and to frankly, make a lot of money. To that end, I'm thrilled to announce a few exciting "synergy" and "optimization" updates that will catapult us into a new era of... well, of me continuing to make a lot of money.
Effective immediately, we are undergoing a significant recalibration of our workforce. In a move that truly embodies the spirit of our company, we are saying goodbye to thousands of you. This is not a failure on your part, but rather a strategic realignment to leverage the incredible talent pools in countries where, let's be honest, the cost of living is more of a suggestion than a reality. We've always said our culture doesn't live in a place; it lives in our people. And now, our people will be living in a different place, and our culture will be living right here, in my bank account.
This difficult decision was made to ensure our continued profitability, and by "our" I mean mine. To all those who are leaving, I want you to know that your sacrifice has not gone unnoticed. It has, in fact, been quantified and will be reinvested into my third vacation home. Your hard work has built this company into the titan it is today, a titan that no longer needs you.
I understand that change can be difficult, especially for those of you who now need to find a new job. But please, focus on the positive. This is not a layoff; it's a "career transition opportunity" to explore new horizons that don't involve us.
I will be taking a personal day to process this emotionally taxing decision on a yacht. I encourage you all to reflect on how your unwavering dedication has contributed to this incredible moment.
Onward and upward,
Your CEO

I am based in Houston and my entire team has been replaced with employees in Buenos Aires and Manila. Does anyone have advice or strategies on maximizing the benefits of in-person collaboration the upcoming RTO changes will offer?

/s

if i evr won the lottery, i wouldn’t retire quietly. i’d open a cellphone store right in the middle of the richest neighborhood i could find.

but it wouldn’t be a normal store. our only goal would be to make sure every single customer left annoyed. prices wouldn’t matter, products wouldn’t matter, the only thing that mattered was that no one walked out satisfied.

every single worker in the store would hold the title of “manager.” that’s it, no other roles. on their name tags, we’d list their salaries in huge print. people would walk in, see someone making millions a year, and still realize they weren’t going to get any help at all.

and for customer service? our number wouldn’t go to a call center, it would connect straight to the irs. so if you wanted to complain, you’d have a very different kind of problem waiting for you.

Then as customers stormed out the door with frustration written all over their faces, we’d smile, wave, and say in the sweetest tone: “and you have a nice day.”

September 18, 2025
A Sincere Letter to Our Valued Team,
I am writing to you today with a heavy heart and a clear mind. As many of you know, I've always been a champion of efficiency, of "right-sizing" our corporate structure, and of what I've often referred to as "Transforming to Win" or "Leading Performance". I've always seen these actions as necessary, as a way to trim the fat and make us lean, mean, and profitable.
But lately, something has changed. My quarterly "talent re-calibration" became a monthly habit, then a weekly compulsion, and, if I'm being honest, sometimes an afternoon delight. I started seeing patterns in the employee directory that only I could see—a department with 12 people was "bloated," one with six was "inefficient," and one with a single person was "a silo." The spreadsheet with names and metrics became a siren's call. The little "delete" button next to your names became a part of me.
I would tell myself it was for the good of the company, that the stock price depended on it, or that we were just "optimizing for future growth." But in the quiet moments, I knew the truth. I am addicted to layoffs. The rush of sending that email, the satisfying thud of the "send" button, the immediate emptiness in the office as cubicles go dark—it's a high I just can't quit.
My family and friends have tried to intervene. They've found me at all hours of the night in the office, muttering about synergy and streamlining, with a half-eaten bag of chips and a list of employees whose positions are "redundant." Last week, I tried to lay off the mailman. Yesterday, I almost fired my own son for "not meeting key performance indicators" on his homework.
It’s clear I need help.
This is why, effective immediately, I will be checking into a specialized rehab facility. It’s called "Re-org Anonymous," and I am hopeful their 12-step program, which includes admitting I have a problem and making amends, will help me recover. I'll be working on my compulsive behaviors, focusing on healthy communication, and, most importantly, learning to value people over profit margins.
My temporary replacement, a well-balanced and very stable consultant who has a proven track record of not laying off anyone for at least three years, will be in charge. Please give them your full support.
Wish me luck. I'll see you all on the other side. And please, for the love of all that is profitable, don't mention the word "headcount" in my presence.

Sincerely,
Your CEO (and recovering "Optimizer")

Tales of Inside Sales – The Little Rep That Couldn’t

“I think I can… I think I can…”
The Little Rep stared at the quota sheet.
50% storage.
30% client.
20% server.
The hill was steep, the track endless, and the figures were stacked against her.

Each day the Rep huffed and puffed, pushing the deals uphill.
Storage? Not to be sold, but to make sure your paycheck stays small.
Enablement? Slides and Town Halls, not actual support.
Leadership? Preaching “don’t worry about your quota” while moving the goalposts.

Still, the Rep whispered,
“I think I can… I think I can…”

But the hill never ended.
The quota was designed that way.
A mountain with no top.
A target that disappears when you aim at it.

Meanwhile, at the station below, Wall Street clapped.
“Productivity is soaring!”
“Operating income improved!”
“Record profits!”

Promotions? None.
Merit? Withheld.
Because the Rep didn’t hit the fake number on the hill that can’t be climbed.

The Little Rep finally sighed:
“It’s not that I can’t.
It’s that they won’t let me.”

Dear Valued Employees,

As your fearless leader, I wanted to take a moment—between yacht meetings and bonus recalculations—to share my deep appreciation for everything you do to keep this company running while I take credit for it.

This quarter, we achieved record profits thanks to strategic decisions like laying off 20% of the workforce. I know some of you may be “concerned” about job security, but rest assured: my job is very secure.

Now, let’s talk about our exciting Return to Office initiative. While remote work increased productivity, morale, and sanity, we believe that forcing you back into cubicles fosters “collaboration.” What does that mean? We’re not sure. But it sounds good in shareholder meetings.

We’ve installed new badge scanners to track your arrival times, because nothing says trust like surveillance. And don’t worry—we’ve added inspirational posters in the break room to offset the existential dread.

As for me, I’ll continue working remotely from my ski lodge in Aspen. But I’ll be with you in spirit—and in quarterly earnings calls where I say “synergy” a lot.

Let’s keep pushing boundaries, cutting costs, and pretending this is all for innovation.

Warmest regards (from my heated pool),
Mike Wirth

Dearly beloved
We are gathered here today to get through this thing called working at Dow.
Electric word, work
It means it means hard work and we work for a mighty long time
But I'm here to tell you there's something else
Retirement
A world of never ending happiness
You can always see the sun
Day or night
So when you call up that shrink at Dow
You know the one, "Dr. Everything'll-be-alright"
Instead of asking him how much of your time is left
Ask him how much of your mind, baby
'Cause in this life things are much harder than in retirement
In this life you're on your own

It is June 2026 and following happened.

1) industry leader in Risk Management with sophisticated AI capabilities
2) All data domains fully operational with 0% data quality issues
3) Best in class straight through data processing capabilities
4) Successfully exited Consent Order
5) Stock price hit the roof and in 4-digits
6) Alarm went off and realized it was a dream. The nightmare was the date is June 2326 - two centuries from now to be even 50% true.

The chair i sat in today has been sat on by over 1000 different bottoms. The keyboard and mouse i handled, was handled by some poor snotty nose woman yesterday. This workstation has a weird smell to it.

Never been much of a city person. I know some of you folk are used to sharing subway trains and busses. Never had to do any of that myself and i sure am thankful. I can see how this.. ahem.. logic is applied here.

Its not that i dont enjoy sharing the workstation as Janice, Jessica, Albert, Ethan, Olivia, Mason, Sophia, Liam, Ava, Noah, Emma, Lucas, Isabella, Elijah, Mia, James, Harper, Alexander, Aria, Benjamin, Layla, William, Zoe, Daniel, Violet, Matthew, Chloe, Jacob, Stella, Samuel, Grace, Nathan, Audrey, Henry, Scarlett, Owen, Lily, Caleb, Nova, Isaac, Riley, Julian, Penelope, Carter, Savannah, Leo, Autumn, Gabriel, Hailey, Wyatt, Aurora, and Miles, its just.. I'm not used to it i guess? Look, i get it, i'm just a spoiled first world country person.

I did invest in my own car to get here. So at least thats still private. I'm told everyone can see all the things i type and do on the computer. Not sure why they would be interested in the boring things that i do, but okay.

I am getting better at tuning out my paripheal vision since Paul is sitting close enough that i can see his mouth moving (hes chewing some gum). I was thinking about having him look over this email im about to send to Sanjeet Pashminderdajeed, he's the one heading our big project from india. I wonder what its like over there this time of year? I'm losing my train of thought, what was i doing? Ah right, trying to tune out Pauls gum chewing habit. Oh look at that, its time for lunch! I wonder what the vending machine has in store today?

The two slack groups in the subject are gone as of this evening. There was a lot of posting from/about laid-off coworkers in #watercooler, while #wtf was ultimately a self-help group (with some blowing-off-steam, and good humor as well).

The death-knell has been sounded, for any semblance of life at Oracle prior to the 2025 layoffs.

I guess we get to keep #dad-jokes, a crumb left behind.

It appears some big news may or may not be announced this week. I’ve heard it may or may not affect teammates. That said, the source isn’t especially reliable, so it’s difficult to know for sure so it may or may not happen.

So we’re driving cross-functional teams, leveraging cross-functional strategies, to unlock cross-functional synergies that empower cross-functional outcomes in a cross-functional ecosystem of cross-functional alignment across cross-functional verticals ultimately delivering cross-functional innovation at cross-functional scale with cross-functional excellence

very cross-functional I can say

Here's what I'm seeing. lmk of comments or your alternatives...

1. Paramount Pictures has a new docu-series about the purchase of Paramount by skydance. DE to play himself and/or choose Tom C. Fran Drescher to play Shari Redstone. Jonah Hill to play Bob B.

2. P+ limited series about the making of Top G-n 2. DE to play himself as the writer, producer, creator, etc. Lots of lawsuits about those credits

3. Ridiculousness: The Movie. Yeah Chris M is gone, but his recent first look lives on.

4. Imposter Island: CBS pres GC is the star of this reality tv show about people without principles.

5. Underwater: Showtime's latest "succession" style drama goes through what happens when a tiny operation installs its leadership to digest a giant whale they are not equipped to handle. Maybe firing lots of people will make the task easier? We'll find out...