Dear Valued Employees,
As your fearless leader, I wanted to take a moment—between yacht meetings and bonus recalculations—to share my deep appreciation for everything you do to keep this company running while I take credit for it.
This quarter, we achieved record profits thanks to strategic decisions like laying off 20% of the workforce. I know some of you may be “concerned” about job security, but rest assured: my job is very secure.
Now, let’s talk about our exciting Return to Office initiative. While remote work increased productivity, morale, and sanity, we believe that forcing you back into cubicles fosters “collaboration.” What does that mean? We’re not sure. But it sounds good in shareholder meetings.
We’ve installed new badge scanners to track your arrival times, because nothing says trust like surveillance. And don’t worry—we’ve added inspirational posters in the break room to offset the existential dread.
As for me, I’ll continue working remotely from my ski lodge in Aspen. But I’ll be with you in spirit—and in quarterly earnings calls where I say “synergy” a lot.
Let’s keep pushing boundaries, cutting costs, and pretending this is all for innovation.
Warmest regards (from my heated pool),
Mike Wirth