Ahoy crew! Hope everyone enjoyed their weekend ashore. For those of us still aboard the SS Comcast, don’t forget your buckets tomorrow. 🪣
Apparently we’re taking on water, losing passengers, splitting the fleet in half and somehow this is all part of the captain’s brilliant new navigation strategy. Versant already sailed off, NBCUniversal and Sky are preparing to depart, and the rest of us are apparently being left on the Xfinity life raft with a couple of captains from DIRECTV.
Some of our finest crew members were just forced ashore. People who spent years keeping this ship running. Meanwhile, the folks who helped steer us into this mess are still up on the bridge telling us to row faster.
We’ve lost so many passengers that even the people on shore are reporting on this disaster. But don’t worry, the captain says we’re making excellent progress. We tried sending a distress signal to Crew Relations, but apparently that department only handles complaints from the captain.
McKinsey is probably upstairs figuring out how many more deckhands we can throw overboard before the ship technically qualifies as a canoe.
To everyone who was forced ashore, you deserved better. You weren’t the ones steering this thing. And to the rest of us still aboard, grab your buckets. We’ve got another week of keeping this motherf----rafloat while the bridge congratulates itself on a successful transformation.
Remember crew, we’re not sinking. We’re simplifying the vessel to improve operational agility.
Reporting from below deck. Still waiting for someone to explain who’s actually driving this fu--ing boat.