#satire

Ka-CHUNKKK... Ffflluuuuuuuuuuuu-shhhhhhhh... Glub-glub-swirrrrrrl-GULP... Hssssssssssssss... (drip)... click

DW is a genius

Vivek Gurumurthy or Sudharsan are next in line to give Dan a hug.

Stay geyser, my friend!

Every UP employee is safe for now. Thanks to the STB rejecting the application merger on January 16. We will get you guys next time.

Vena

Disappointed in your performance. See, I have expectations too, and you have not met them. I have quietly been evaluating, showing grace, providing feedback to no avail. You are formally moving to a PIP and I will be severing this relationship if your performance as my employer does not improve. I’ll be documenting your progress towards the desired weekly. Signed, your hard working humble employees.

Mark my words: Skims and Lisa will save Nike!

From an internal board: What you’ll find out on 1/28

You wake up at 10:00 a.m. for your 10:00 standup. You open your laptop, planning to tell the team you have no updates. You try to log into your Mac. It doesn’t work.

Panic sets in. Oh no—I'm going to miss standup. My manager is going to ki-l me.

You grab your phone to message the team on Slack. Slack won’t open. You’ve been logged out. Now you’re really freaking out. What is happening?!

You start trying to remember every paging alias. Okay, I’ll just page everyone.
You send paging emails from your personal email.

There’s a typo in one alias. You accidentally page Andy Jassy.

Andy Jassy’s executive assistant gets the page. She looks at her pager and sees your name. Who the he-l is this?
Then another page comes in.
Then another.
And another.

Her phone won’t stop ringing. It’s completely unusable.

She jumps out of bed and wakes Andy.
“Hey Andy.”

Andy rubs his eyes. “No. Hey.”

“Sorry Andy,” she says. “My phone went totally bananas. Everyone is paging you.”

Andy snaps back, “Too many bananas. So we asked ourselves: what’s the best way to get rid of bananas? That’s why we eliminated bananas. If you think about it, it’s just layoffs. Bananas go nuts.”

Then he rolls over and falls back into a deep sleep.

That’s what you’ll see on 1/28.

Brace yourself.

UGH speaks out on what is going on in Minneapolis: https://www.cnn.com/2026/01/26/business/minnesota-companies-ceos-target

At last a voice of reason ! All that noise makes it harder to figure out who to RIF and what life saving claims to deny. Please quite down people, business have work to do!

The first flakes drifted down over the city, soft and silent, promising a weekend of snowdrifts, frozen driveways, and the kind of cold that makes you grateful for firewood and LED candles. Neighbors huddled indoors, swapping soup recipes and checking weather apps like fortune tellers.

But inside the office buildings, another kind of storm brewed. HR invites fell like icy pellets: “We regret to inform you…” As those words echoed, the blizzard outside was matched by a blizzard of layoffs and PIPs inside. Cubicles emptied of cheer faster than sidewalks, and the chill wasn’t just in the air — it was in the morale.

Employees joked darkly: “Winter is coming.”Some meant the snowstorm barreling toward the city. Others meant the quarterly layoffs and PIPs barreling toward their careers. Both were inevitable, both demanded preparation.

So, just as families stocked up on groceries and salt for the driveway, workers stocked up on résumés and LinkedIn updates. The fireplace crackled at home, while leadership churned out performance metrics and “action plans.”

And in the end, everyone learned the same lesson: whether it’s snowflakes or layoffs and PIPs, winter always comes — and the only way through is to be prepared, keep warm, and remember that spring eventually follows.

As valentines day approaches in the US remember everyone you are suppose to love your job and devote all you have to the mission of your corporation. Don’t be planning any dates, making reservations at nice restaurants for you and your partner. You need to be home working on your laptop to help improve the results of the corporation.

Showing your love in this way is how the corporation knows to let you stay though Feb 13th 2026. May 15, 2026 will be the next review of your loyalty. Just watch these dates and see how many of your co-workers were not able to put the corporation as the first love of their lives.

As part of Verizon’s commitment to delight customers, we’ve implemented a digital detox starting this morning so our customers can get off to a good start in the new year!

There once was a CEO named John,
A puppet whose strings were well-drawn.
With ninety-six thousand RSUs in his clutch,
He weaseled and bowed to Exxon’s soft touch,
A puppet rewarded for deeds that were done.

https://www.sec.gov/Archives/edgar/data/49938/000004993825000073/imo-20250213.htm

To: My Valued Cost-Centers (Employees),

​Happy New Year! As I sit here in my climate-controlled, triple-glazed corner suite, watching the sunrise over the yacht club, I couldn't help but feel a fleeting sense of warmth—though that may have just been the heated massage function on my Italian leather chair.

​2026 is the year of Synergy, Sacrifice, and Shareholder Supremacy.

​The Triumph of the 4-Day Return
​I want to personally congratulate those of you who have successfully navigated the commute to join us in the office four days a week. Seeing you all hunched over your laptops, participating in Teams meetings with the person sitting three feet away, truly warms my heart. It’s that "water cooler magic" we talked about—even if the water cooler was removed to make room for another row of unassigned lockers.
​I’m aware that some of you have complained about the Hot-Desking Lottery. Look at it as a daily adventure! Will you find a desk with a working monitor today? Or will you spend your morning playing "musical chairs" with a tangled nest of broken HDMI cables? If you find yourself working from the broom closet again, just remember: it’s not a "broom closet," it’s a Cozy Collaboration Pod™.

​Efficiency: Our North Star
​While you are busy creating value for our institutional investors, I have been busy ideating. To ensure we are squeezing every drop of "lemonade" out of our human capital, I am thrilled to announce several
Employee Wellness & Productivity Initiatives for Q1:
​Bio-Break Benchmarking: We’ve noticed a slight dip in keystrokes during mid-morning. To help you stay on track, we are installing "Smart-Flush" sensors. If a restroom visit exceeds the mandated 120-second "Standard Relief Window," an automated alert will be sent to your manager to discuss your time-management skills.

​The "Mike Wirth" Policy: In the spirit of your favorite office slang, we’re aiming for maximum efficiency in all... movements. If you’re going to "take a Mike Wirth," please ensure you’ve pre-filed a "Functional Downtime" request. We wouldn't want your lack of productivity to be as disappointing as a stagnant stock price.

​Oxygen Optimization: Studies show that humans exhale carbon dioxide, which is bad for the environment (and our ESG score). We are considering a "Breath-Per-Minute" tax to encourage calm, shallow, and highly efficient respiration while at your desks.

​Vertical Desking: Why sit or stand when you can lean? We are replacing chairs with 75-degree padded planks to ensure no one gets too comfortable. Comfort is the enemy of the 52-week high.

​Looking Ahead
​Remember, every time you struggle to find a functional mouse or spend 45 minutes looking for a stapler, a shareholder somewhere gets their wings (or a slightly larger dividend). You aren't just "employees"; you are the fuel we burn to reach the moon.

​Now, stop reading this and get back to your Teams call. I can see your "Active" status flickering from here.

​In Solidarity (With the Board),
​The CEO

That Brian gets another 28% raise. He really needs it. I'm cool with being overlooked for any merit increases or standard of living adjustment. Brian's well being means too much for me to accept anything less for him.

It look a lot of Leadership, apathetic employees, meetings, PowerPoints, bad ideas and ineffective and incapable management to accomplish this ! # PEPPROUD

Merry Christmas to my underlings,

Let’s be clear: your output this year has been underwhelming at best. You have not fully committed to inspiring and building better lives and communities; and frankly, it’s embarrassing. I need you to work harder next year so my bonus doesn’t suffer because of your mediocrity.

Despite the fact that none of you have earned it, I might throw you a 1% raise, and that’s a big might. That goodwill evaporates the moment I hear another word about the 5-day RTO. I’m beyond tired of the whining, the entitlement, and the endless complaining. Do your jobs, show up where you’re told, and keep your opinions to yourselves.

Go ahead and enjoy whatever time you have with your families now, because starting next week your time belongs to me. Don’t get comfortable, don’t get ideas, and don’t forget who signs the checks.

Sincerely,
Bill

Dear Team,

As we gather with our families this holiday season – or, more accurately, as those of you within 50 miles of an office get your butts back in here to maximize collaboration and real estate utilization – I want to extend my warmest wishes for a prosperous and metrics-driven New Year.

The winter holidays remind us of timeless values: giving (of your maximum effort), receiving (higher margins for shareholders), peace (on earth, as long as your business unit stays well above the Line of Doom), joy (in hitting quota, even if it means public call-outs in all-hands), and goodwill toward all men (provided they contribute tangible value and don’t just “make air” like those software folks).
Remember the miracle of the season: just as one small acquisition can multiply into trillions in market cap through ruthless simplification, your continued sacrifice of work-life balance turns our portfolio into evergreen revenue streams.

Family time is wonderful, but nothing says “holiday cheer” like knowing your RSUs are vesting while underperforming divisions get divested faster than you can say “perpetual licenses are dead.”

To those celebrating Christmas: may your stockings be stuffed with stock options – contingent, of course, on office attendance thresholds.

To those observing Hanukkah: eight crazy nights of efficiency gains.

To everyone else: focus on what really matters – Q1 targets.

Thank you for your obedience dedication.

Let’s make 2026 another record year of cost-cutting and shareholder delight.

Happy Holidays,

Hock Tan
President & CEO, Broadcom

The stock is starting falling again. Why stop the bump 😤? Let lay off more to get it bump again.

The Legend of Srini Gopalan: The Accidental Triple-Threat Executive

When Capital One first launched, the board had one big question:
“Who do we get to run this thing?”

They reviewed hundreds of résumés until they found the one — a file mysteriously labeled “SRINI GOPALAN: HANDLE WITH CARE.”

Inside was a résumé written in Comic Sans, a headshot where he was holding a confused housecat, and a tagline at the top that said:

“I don’t always join companies. But when I do, they become iconic.”

They hired him instantly.

Part One: Capital One Chaos

On Srini’s first day, he walked into headquarters holding a single credit card with no numbers on it.
Someone asked, "What’s in your wallet?"

Srini whispered, “Destiny.”

Within weeks:

People started opening Capital One cards just to be near his aura.

Interest rates lowered themselves in fear of disappointing him.

The coffee machine began approving credit applications.

He became a legend.

Part Two: T-Mobile Takes Notice

T-Mobile executives heard the rumors:

“Who turned Capital One into a financial Jedi academy?”
“It must be the guy with the mystical wallet.”
“I heard he can increase your credit score by making eye contact.”

So T-Mobile recruited him.

But Srini only had one request:
“I want the magenta hoodie.”

Once he put it on, network speeds increased nationwide — and nobody touched a cable. 5G towers started appearing overnight like mushrooms. Coverage improved every time he coughed.

They didn’t dare ask how.

Part Three: The Truth Revealed

At an all-hands meeting, someone finally asked:

“Srini… how do you do all this?”

He smiled, adjusted his hoodie, and said:

“I don’t do anything.
I just show up, and say generative AI"

$40/share...my grey hair..#paymeoutDT

(A Wells Fargo Christmas Carol)

’Twas the night before layoffs, and all through the bank,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a crank.
The severance packets were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Saint Charlie soon would be there. The workers were nestled all snug in their dread, While visions of pink slips danced in their heads.
With managers clutching their KPIs tight, They’d just settled in for another grim night. When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
We sprang from our desks to see what was the matter.
Away to the window we flew in a flash,
Tore open the blinds and prepared for the crash. The moon on the br---t of the new-fallen snow Gave a luster of doom to the carnage below,
When what to our terrified eyes did appear, But a miniature sleigh and eight trembling reindeer. With a cruel little driver so vicious and snide,
We knew in a moment it must be Saint Scharf. More rapid than eagles his bullies they came, And he screamed and he shouted and called them by name: “Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer, you slacker!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! You’re all on the stack tracker!
Hit those story points or you’re off the damn wall!
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all! ”Rudolph stood frozen, his nose glowing red,
From pure te---r, not magic, the fear filled his head.
Santa cracked the whip with a sadistic delight,
“Move faster, you id--ts, or you’re gone by tonight!” The elves had tried “Wagile,” but it fell on its face, Scrum ceremonies turned to a bullying place.
No safety, no trust, just metrics and fear, So the toys never shipped and Christmas drew near. Santa bellowed, “Your job here is done!
You’re replaced by AI and some guys in the sun!
The reindeer team’s next if you don’t hit your quota,
Offshore to Bengaluru, Manila, Dakota! He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a roar,
And away they all flew, scared forevermore.
But we heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to none, and to all a good night…

Tomorrow the axe falls.
Document everything.
Upskill tonight.
Run. My mission: fearless workplaces.
There is life after Wells Fargo—and it’s beautiful.
See you on the other side.

Is Dan playing the same character, only I doubt Verizon will have the same happy company ending the movie did.

You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why...
Stankey Claus is coming to destroy your town!

He's making a list,
And cutting it twice,
Gonna find out,
Who's naughty or nice.
Stankey Claus is coming to destroy your town!

He sees you when you're in less than 8 hours,
He knows when you’re giving bad Employee surveys.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake- cause he just wants to control you.

Cause Stankey Claus, the worst CEO in America, is coming… TO TOWN….. to sc--w up your location with ridiculous demands.

Have a merry Xmas everyone! Except the Grinch that is.

Man I tell you now I feel like Dan has a real plan.I feel really good their gonna find me a new position in the company before my off payroll date.I feel like Dan knows what needs to be done .He is doing exactly that .We are going to dazzle our customers and excite our shareholders.My god this is the most inspiration I have felt since I was given my first promotion.Heres to you Vteamers

Wish you a merry Christmas. Hope your children enjoy my daughter’s presents and your husband appreciates my family’s turkey. We love you in the trenches. Make a few more mince policies.

Like others I dont give an MW about Chevron anymore. Taking an MW in the nasty restrooms in 1500 is more productive than anything else now days...

Had to lay off the turkey this year, but hot dogs are pleasing in their own way. Add some beans, maybe some bacon drippings, and life is still pretty good in America!

I was in MW's office and got a glimpse of his game plan going forward to grow the dividend and profits for the company. Its a truly innovative list that we should be proud of! Here is what I saw!

1. Layoffs
2. Make employees miserable
3. Cut benefits

Short but powerful growth strategy!

Dear Team,
After years of paying you to do your jobs, we've discovered that the real problem holding Verizon back from "delighting customers" is.... you! Specifically, 13,000+ of you. Your salaries are apparently the only thing standing between us and becoming "faster, simpler, leaner, and scrappier". We are firing a fifth of our managers so the rest of you can live up to your potential. This isn't a layoff, it's an exciting "reset" and "reorientation" around our sacred mission of delighting customers. Think of it as a HOLIDAY GIFT. 'Tis the season to be overworked as we enter this new era of additional blackout days and longer store hours. If it doesn't ki-l you it will make you stronger which should help you during our next rounds of "promotions to customer". But don't worry, we're putting 20 million in a "reskilling and career transition fund" - that's roughly $1,500 per person which is totally enough to learn to code or become an influencer in this economy. We didn't even notice this was taking place during the holiday season and trust us, it was totally unintentional. Survivors, act grateful, work harder, and remember: the next "reset" is always one bad quarter away. Cheers!

T'was the night before layoffs
And all through the land
Peons pondered thier futures
All decided by Dan

The C-suites had hung
Thier bonus with care
And planning vacations
And travel by air

Someone write the next verse....

'Twas the night before RIF’mas, when all through Basking Ridge
Not a creature was stirring, not even Dan the Smidge;
The severance packages were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that HR soon would be there;

The plebs were nestled all snug in their cubicles,
While visions of VSP’s danced in their heads;
And Hans in his chefs hat, and the board he tapped,
Had just settled down for a long golden parachute victory lap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the desk to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the br---t of the new 5 ghee
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects in front of me,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature Shankar the gutless leader.

"Now, Sampath! now, Berland and Epps!
On, Hammock! on Paasche! on, Sharpe and Skiadas!
To the top of the stock options! to the top of the culture toxin!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the Webex
A meeting invite for me and no one else.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
On the call my supervisor and HR came with a bound.

They spoke not a word, but went straight to their work,
And filled out all the severance paperwork; then turned with a je-k,

They sprang to their feet, and gave a look,
And away they all flew the town like a crook
But I heard them exclaim, ere they ran out of sight,
HAPPY RIF’mas TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!

Watch this
https://m.imdb.com/title/tt10374610/

Remember when Verizon’s leadership thought they were smarter than Elon by hiring a marketing executive from Twitter?
Elon had fired her — and guess what? Verizon lost millions of dollars on a failed rebranding and logo.

Just post this here so people think we aren’t going to lay off anymore.

Richard Greedmore, CEO of MegaCorp Unlimited, had one guiding principle: the dividend must go up. It didn’t matter if the company was selling actual products or just the illusion of productivity—shareholders needed their quarterly dopamine hit.

One crisp morning, as Richard strutted out of his 97th-floor office (which had a view of the poor, for motivational purposes), he spotted a homeless man outside the building fumbling with a cup of change. A nickel rolled away, followed by a rogue dime. Richard’s eyes widened.

“Loose capital!” he gasped.

Without hesitation, he dove from the steps like a linebacker chasing a bonus. He snatched the nickel mid-roll and tackled the dime just before it hit the gutter. Passersby watched in horror and confusion as the CEO of a Fortune 500 company wrestled a penny from a pigeon.

“Every cent counts!” he shouted, holding the coins aloft like trophies. “This is shareholder value!”

He rushed back inside, burst into the finance department, and slammed the coins on the table.

“Add this to the dividend pool. We’re going up 0.0000000003% this quarter!”

The CFO blinked. “Sir, that’s... less than the cost of the paper we’d need to announce it.”

“Then announce it digitally!” Richard barked. “We’ll save on toner!”

From that day forward, MegaCorp instituted the “Street Sweep Initiative,” where interns were deployed to scour sidewalks for spare change. The company’s stock rose 0.0001%, and Richard was hailed as a visionary.

Meanwhile, the homeless man was hired as Chief Revenue Scout, earning minimum wage and stock options—vested over 97 years.

Especially the useless top gear Dir/VPs being thrown out?

I just spoke with DAS. Back in June 2022 it looks like they uploaded Maurice to the cloud. This explains the robotic answers, the bad writing and his inability to read. It also explains any future attempts to automate your work and work we so that you make less money and work less hours.
He will be put back in his body when his total income exceeds $100 billion per year.
This is all pretty hush hush but on good authority.

Board of Directors asked Chat GPT, “How do you run a successful Telecommunications company?” and it analyzed all of the companies in the industry and their earnings reports in years of growth and just charted out a five year plan. Its first suggestion was eliminating the entire senior leadership team and their chief of staff entourages. Saves hundreds of millions in first year. Use that money to staff network, call centers, retail and business with honest employees that won’t be forced to sell boomerangs like DTV, MPP, etc. Customer retention jumps to all time high. Sell high rent office buildings and all employees work from home but performance measures are customers engaged, sales processed, fiber footage. Output will triple. Each employee gets 5 extra days of vacation (to compensate for the 5 taken away) and older employees no longer targeted for surplus and instead many will be rehired on basis of the fact they grew AT&T to the 100 million power house it was under Ralph De La Vega. Oh, and Leading with Distinction will now be 12 Tik Tok reels starring Tom Hanks just saying “Don’t buy any billion dollar companies, just focus on helping customers reset voicemail passwords.”

Reporter: Mr. Profitson, thank you for joining us. Let’s get right to it—your company has experienced multiple safety incidents in recent months, some resulting in serious injuries. Employees say morale is at an all-time low. How do you respond?

CEO Max Profitson: First off, let me say—we’re absolutely crushing it. Our shareholders are thrilled, and I just got a new yacht. So, clearly, things are going great.

Reporter: Respectfully, sir, that doesn’t address the safety concerns. There have been three major accidents in the last quarter alone.

CEO: Look, accidents happen. That’s just part of the exciting chaos of innovation. If anything, it shows our employees are really pushing the limits. I mean, who needs safety when you’ve got quarterly growth?

Reporter: But many of those employees were laid off. You outsourced entire departments to countries with little to no industry regulation. Isn’t that part of the problem?

CEO: I call it “strategic efficiency.” Why pay someone $100,000 when you can pay $3 and a sandwich? That’s just good business. Besides, the new teams are very enthusiastic. They may not know what they’re doing, but they’re cheap and that’s what matters.

Reporter: That sounds incredibly reckless. Don’t you feel any responsibility for the chaos and declining morale?

CEO: Morale is overrated. I find that fear is a much better motivator. If people are worried about losing their jobs, they work harder. Or they quit. Either way, I save money.

Reporter: You’ve taken a 300% salary increase this year while cutting thousands of jobs. How do you justify that?

CEO: Easy. I’m worth it. Have you seen our stock price? It’s up 0.3%! That’s practically a miracle in this economy. I’m basically a financial wizard.

Reporter: But your employees are protesting. Some are calling this the “Corporate Dark Ages.”

CEO: That’s just noise. If they spent less time complaining and more time working, we wouldn’t have these problems. I mean, I gave them pizza last quarter. What more do they want?

Reporter: Accountability? Safety? A living wage?

CEO: Look, I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to make shareholders rich. And myself. Mostly myself.

Reporter: I’m sorry, but how are you still employed?

CEO: Golden parachute, baby. Even if I get fired, I walk away with enough money to buy a small country. So really, I can’t lose.

Reporter: I think we’re done here.

CEO: Great! I’ve got a meeting with my yacht designer. We’re adding a helipad.