Thread regarding Verizon Communications Inc. layoffs

Squirrel Force Three here...

Was Squirrel Force Four, but one of us got arrested today. Man, those Albuquerque police do not fu(k around. Guess these hippies just don't take union bribes like the NY or NJ cops do. Ugh.

Sad news to report. Much like Ted Cruz, and soon, Bernie Sanders, we are suspending our campaign of fear here at SFT HQ. Hearts are heavy all around. Who knew spreading peanut butter all over the wires would lead to a squirrel obesity problem? The little b@stards can't even make up the poles anymore, much like most of our bloated workforce...

We have amassed about forty tons of Patchmark generic peanut butter here at SFT HQ, and will be donating it to union brothers and sisters most in need. I hear bread and plastic knives can be found in the Basking Ridge dumpsters, left over from EWA catering... We will be running a shuttle bus to scavenge through the trash every three hours, with pit stops at the front door to grovel for our jobs back. Make director bring protective gear, win no bennies left, a nasty cut from dumpster diving won't be covered as 'necessary' by the strike fund adjudicators...

Squirrel Force Three over and out.

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Flying squirrels are well known for their ability to glide between trees at the top of a forest canopy. We present experimental performance and behavioural evidence that flight in flying squirrels may have evolved out of a need to control landing forces. Northern flying squirrels were filmed jumping from a horizontal branch to a much larger vertical pole. These were both slightly compliant (less than 1.9 mm N(-1)), and instrumented using strain gauges so that forces could be measured. Take-off and landing forces were both positively correlated with horizontal range between 0.5 and 2.5 m (r=0.355 and r=0.811, respectively, P<0.05), but not significantly different to each other at each range tested. Take-off forces ranged from 1 to 10 bodyweights, and landing forces were between 3 and 10 bodyweights. Glide angles increased rapidly with horizontal range, approaching 45 degrees at 3 m, above which they gradually decreased, suggesting that northern flying squirrels are optimised for long distance travel. We show that northern flying squirrels initiate full gliding posture at ranges of less than 1 m, without landing any higher than an equivalent ballistic projectile. However, this gliding posture enables them to pitch upwards, potentially stalling the wing, and spreads the landing reaction force over all four extended limbs. At steeper approach angles of close to 45 degrees , flying squirrels were unable to pitch up sufficiently and landed forelimbs first, consequently sustaining higher impact forces. We investigate four hypotheses to explain the origin of flight in these animals and conclude that the need to reduce landing impact forces was most likely to have stimulated the development of aerial control in flying squirrels.

Setup: A shareholder going in to see a CEO; either the whole board or just one board member (usually the CEO).

The shareholder asks what they do.

If the whole board is present, the act is performed for the shareholder; otherwise it is described.

Act: It is described in as much detail as the teller prefers.

While most tellings follow one of a few basic forms, the description of the act is meant to be an ad lib.

Traditionally, the description is tasteless, and ribald. The goal is to significantly transgress social norms. Taboo acts such as incest, rape, child sexual abuse, coprophilia, coprophagia, bestiality, necrophilia and murder are common themes.

Punch line: The shocked (or intrigued) shareholder asks what the act is called, and the proud answer (sometimes delivered with a flourish) is: "Verizon!"

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