Lowell was on top of his game today. He arrived via limo as usual and was greeted by some of his chief HB-1'ers and fed his traditional breakfast, an egg mcmuffin with extra curry and a tall glass of room temperature goat urine. He then did a thorough LOAD evaluation and came to the conclusion that because it's Sunday, the customer doesn't really matter all that much today and he had hundreds of trouble calls rescheduled so as not to have to pay scabs beyond their 8 hour shift. Now to the Not So Highlights, enjoy!
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25 scabs require immediate attention from early season wasp attacks.
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100 business customers ask when their services are going to be repaired, scab from VZ Wireless tells customers that wireline is dead, 5g is the future and hangs up.
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while double checking his work from yesterday, Shamooo realizes he missed a tax loophole and VZ will actually be getting a refund check for $1.5 million rather than the originally calculated $875,000.00.
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do to so many trouble calls being rescheduled and removed from todays load, we approximate todays churn rate to be at 35%.
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scabs were notified to get ready, installs are going to start to fall into the load in the next 3-4 weeks.
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100 scabs are rushed bottles of water and oxygen claiming heat exhaustion. One scab was quoted as saying, "I don't no how those big, fat, uneducated, entitled slobs work out in this heat."
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Lowell is surprised to learn that what he thought was seaweed juice, is actually goat urine.
Great day today VZ Teamers, see you at 0700. Remember to hurry up and be safe, because if you get injured, YOUR FIRED!
Yours not so truely,
Uncle Mudge