Not doing this on company time, and I know it’s a bit much. I had a lot of time to think about this during the four hours I spent commuting to an empty office building last week. I often think it’s good that this company doesn’t provide healthcare services, build highways or buildings – basically anything that could be obviously and tangibly catastrophic if not done accurately and completely. And yes, I am angry that “leaders” are paid obscene millions to do their jobs terribly. CEO – the highest paying job with no accountability to actually get anything done right.
This is how I imagine this company working with customers if it were an auto repair shop.
Customer walks into an auto repair shop lot on a warm spring day – passes a few cars, then walks into the un-air conditioned waiting room. The doors to the office and adjacent garage bay are open, so it is not unpleasant. Customer notices a giant LED sign prominently to the right of the service counter. The shop’s parent company’s STOCK PRICE is updated real time in harsh white lights.
The Company Rep enters the waiting room from an adjoining office.
Company Rep: good afternoon delighted customer. How will we exceed your expectations today? Because you know that’s what we do. All our marketing employees say so.
Customer smiles, agreeably, but uncomfortably: yeah, hello. I’m here to pick up my car.
Customer notices Company Rep has a name tag with the words “Team Member” crossed out with magic marker and the word “Generic Employee” written in underneath.
Customer points to name tag: Hey, that seems kind of harsh for a name tag. Customer tries to say this lightly and jokingly.
Company Rep looks down at the name tag: Oh no, not at all. Here at the Firm, it’s important to be reminded that we’re just workers and not some kind of cult. And don’t worry, I don’t like sports. Company Rep says this reassuringly.
Customer: OK. So, about my car…
Company Rep: of course. One minute. Excuse me. Company Rep walks out the garage bay says to the Garage Person waiting inside: Yes, Customer A is here for Sprint 1 and 2 of their car.
The Garage Person nods, be right back.
A few minutes later, Garage Person and a few other individuals roll out a car steering column, two seats, and a car frame to the shop lot.
Customer: what is this?
Company Rep: This is the work we’ve gotten done on your car in our first 2 Sprints.
Customer: I can’t drive this. I need a whole car. I can’t drive the parts of a car that aren’t put together. The car only works with all the parts put together and connected the way they were planned and designed.
Company Rep: this is an agile shop. We break out our work in parts and deliver those parts as they’re done.
Customer: But I can’t use this.
Company Rep: Don’t be worried. This is agile. It is so innovative. We don’t use archaic things like design, architecture planning, or project management. All the parts of the car will just come together with uncoordinated work on independent parts of the vehicle all completed at different times and with different priority levels. It’s truly amazing. Until we have all the parts finished, we have a workaround for you.
10 employees walk out to the shop lot pulling a flatbed trailer behind them. They load up the car steering column, two seats, and car frame into the trailer.
Company Rep: Please just climb into the trailer, and these employees will manually pull you to wherever you need to go until all the Sprints have been completed.
Customer: How will you keep working on my car if I’m in it?
Company Rep reassuringly and confidently: Don’t worry. We will continue to work around you. You won’t be in our way.
Customer looks around at the 10 seemingly hard-working employees ready to support the workaround for an unspecified amount of time.
Customer: I don’t think we’ll need to do all this. I had another car here I use for my critical day-to-day work. I brought it in to get the right blinker fixed. I’ll just use that for the time being. Is it ready?
Company Rep: Yes. Give me just another minute. You are going to be thrilled. Company Rep to Garage Person: Can you please bring out Customer A’s critical day-to-day car?
Garage Person: Yes, right away. Both Company Rep and garage person seem almost giddy, like they are planning a surprise party. Customer looks over at the seemingly hard-working employees. They smile awkwardly and try not to look confused, embarrassed, and incredulous.
Garage Person wheels out a vehicle with a giant colorful tarp painted like another car.
Company Rep: here is your redesigned critical day-to-day work car.
Customer: What the he-l is this?
Company Rep: We changed the look and feel of your critical day-to-day work car. See how modern and shiny and new it looks?
Customer: I didn’t ask you to change the look and feel.
Company Rep : I know. You’re welcome!
Customer trying to move on: How do I get in to drive it?
Company Rep: So, you open this flap on the tarp, undo a few latches, and it takes you to your same critical day-to-day work car.
Customer: So I have to take three more steps to get into my car to do the exact same thing I was doing with it before I brought it into the shop?
Customer cumbersomely climbs into the car. Customer flips the right blinker rod. Nothing happens.
Customer: I don’t think this is working. Did anyone quality check this before rolling it out?
Customer Rep: Glad you noticed. No, Quality Assurance is one of those archaic things we’ve done away with. We know that customers will do that work for us and will alert us of any problems. Customer Rep points to a separate Garage on the lot. The sign over the garage door once read “Quality Assurance“ but has been covered over by a large “X” made out of masking tape. A rudimentary sign reading “Complaints” hangs below it.
Customer Rep: Please report your findings to that team.
Customer looks on in disbelief when they see four people with boxes, walking out of the shop waiting room office. Customer recognizes one of them.
Customer: Customer Rep – isn’t that Engineer A who has worked on my car for the last 10 years and is an expert on my car model? Where are they going?
Customer Rep: yeah, that experience wasn’t cheap. The C-suite is doing some heroic work cost-cutting. For every 400 “employees” (said very clearly and deliberately) the Firm let’s go, the Firm can replace them with one employee in India and one more C-suite hire for a mysterious job that didn’t exist before, has no clear purpose, and will magically make the Firm hit all its strategic objectives that the last 10 C-suite hires couldn’t.
Customer: That is terrible.
Customer Rep: I know. It’s been hard on the C-suite. They are managing through it though. The Firm is efficiently replacing existing experience with potential and Magical Millionaires. Customer sits back in the critical day-to-day work car, turns on the radio to see if it works. News announcer:The Firm announced another round of layoffs today. American middle class being gutted as jobs are sent offshore and profits are funneled to the already rich. Customer looks up and sees through the window to the waiting room that the stock ticker number has jumped.
Company Rep, Delighted: YES! And that’s why we’re all here.
Customer gives up, climbs out of the car, and starts to walk home.