Last week, I received the following invitation to a compulsory on-site meeting, following management's repeated engagements with some sort of Agile shaman.
You have been invited to:
Compulsory On-Site: Continuous Improvement Playback & Strategy
Notes: This will be an all-morning meeting so arrive energized as we hit the ground running on Monday morning
The Leadership Team
Oh man, where do I even start to make fun of this? There's so much here.
Firstly, why did you clowns make it a compulsory on-site event? Do you really think that it was worth dragging everyone into the office against their will because we needed to listen to you talk for four hours in a row? That level of self-regard is narcissistic to such a degree that I have screeched so far past horror that I've looped around to arrive at a grudging respect. I can only imagine this is the equivalent of a meditator achieving perfect concentration on the breath, but instead it is the all-consuming feeling that people like listening to you say the word strategy for four hours.
Secondly, do we really need to "be energised" and "hit the ground running" for a godda-n four hour meeting on a Monday.? Are you trying to help me sell cryptocurrency or get involved in a pyramid scheme? Half of us just write SQL for enterprise dashboards that no one reads, you absolute sickos. You don't work at SpaceX - the largest project we're working on right now is a big spreadsheet that is nonetheless six months behind schedule. Sleeping is higher energy than that.
Thirdly, did you have a stroke and forget how to talk like a human? Continuous Improvement Playback and Strategy? How about "Our plans to improve working conditions for 2024", you fu--ing weirdos? Does the part of your brain that produces normal speech ossify naturally as part of becoming an enterprise manager, or is that a prerequisite for the job?
Fourthly, given that half of you love turning up on stages and talking about your decades of leadership experience, why did you need someone from outside the organization who doesn't know a damn thing about our work to come in and tell you how you're sc--wing up? I'll tell you for free! That is a breathtaking level of disconnection.
Finally, and most importantly, what kind of maniac signs off on something as "The Leadership Team"?