Yo, his palms are sweaty, thumbs weak, signal's heavy
There's "SOS" on his iPhone already, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bars, but the bars won't drop, network's dead-y
CEO Dan Schulman, new boss in the saddle
Just axed 13,000 jobs, now the company's rattled
"Simplify, leaner, scrappier," that's the motto he spouts
But customers screamin', "Where's my data? Get out!"
He opens the app, but the outage hits the floor
Tries to call support, but the lines are no more
Engineers deployed, "We're fixin' it quick!"
But it's been hours, Dan, your AI savior's a trick
"AI-powered CX," yeah, that's the big hype
But when the network tanks, even chatbots can't type
Lost market share to T-Mobile, they're laughin' and dancin'
Verizon's churnin' customers faster than romancin'