I keep hearing about fake accounts. What about the coercion? Cases of elder and dependent adult abuse? The worst was when you saw confused people get strong-armed by the dude they hired from qwikstop. Did your manager care? A lot! In fact, they loved these kinds of people.
'Here, Mrs. Anderson, new checks are free if we just update your account number'
'As I'm opening this I want you to know that we send out check cards as a courtesy. And you should always have a backup on hand just in case, so we'll take care of that too'
'Well, the safest thing to do if you have any security concerns is to open a new set of accounts and close the old ones'
'We can run you a free credit report. You might see an email about identity theft protection, but don't worry, I'll cancel the subscription right after we run the reports'
'I'm not a business banker but I'm pretty sure I can open these for you. Did you bring the articles of inconstipation? I'll totally get this done without screwing absolutely everything up'
'Okay college kid, just sign the bottom of the forms and I'll fill in the rest and open the accounts when I get back to the store. Just fund them sometime, yeah?'
'We should really get you in a Way2Save. It's this really cool thing that gives you a super high interest rate on a small portion of funds while requiring all these transfers and stuff between accounts. Seems totally your speed. You're gonna love it'
'I don't know about you, but I use accounts as an electronic envelope system. I have 10 checking accounts, one for every purpose. You don't have a pet expense account? You should really have a pet expense account'
'You barely have enough money for a PMA, but you're looking pretty savage, bro. Just ki-l it next quarter. Don't worry about the fees if you dip too low. It's not really even worth talking about the fees'
'We'll open this for you even though you look terrible in chexsystems. My manager is cool with the DM and we need the DDA. If you come back in a few days when your account gets closed by our back-end I'll be on my break'
'Lane 3, I noticed you don't have a credit card tied to the HELOC. That's our bad, we usually do that for everyone. We'll fix that for you if you swing around and park'
What am I missing?