Team,
We’re thrilled to unveil our brilliant workforce strategy leading up to 2027. Please take notes, as this is pure corporate gold:
- Advance Notice = Free Resignations
By announcing retrenchment years in advance, we cleverly motivate employees to quit on their own. Imagine: people voluntarily walking out without us spending a cent. Genius.
- The PIP Express
For those stubborn optimists who stick around? Easy ,slot them into a PIP. Suddenly, “performance” becomes the reason they leave. Goodbye severance, hello savings.
- Relocation as Attrition Tool
Moving from Harborfront to Pioneer is not a “logistical decision” it’s our most powerful resignation generator. Why fire people when the commute can do it for us? + The stench will deter the yoga gang.
- Contractual Enlightenment
Once the herd thins out, anyone surviving the retrenchment study can simply be converted into contract workers. Flexible! Agile! Also, conveniently disposable.
With this four-step plan, we save money, reduce headcount, and pretend it was all voluntary. Harvard Business Review, please, hold your applause.
Sincerely,
Your Totally Benevolent Leadership