Getting calls from media friends, saying something big is about to happen. Maybe JD and/or HO are out. Anyone know?
12 replies (most recent on top)
The Onion:
Nike to Cease Manufacturing Products
PublishedSeptember 11, 1996
BEAVERTON, OR—Citing creative confinement and a desire to focus exclusively on what it does best, the Nike Corporation announced Monday it will cease manufacturing athletic shoes and other sports-related merchandise in order to devote itself fully to the creation of state-of-the-art television advertisements.
Free from the distractions of making products, Nike now plans to focus on creating the coolest ads ever.
"The last few years, it became impossible to maintain our high standards of advertising while faced with the daily distractions of making sneakers," said Phil Knight, Nike founder and CEO. "By discontinuing our entire product line, we will ensure that Nike remains the world's leader in the field of incredibly cool TV commercials well into the 21st century."
Nike's first project following the announcement will be a 40-minute, $200 million spot scheduled to air during halftime of Super Bowl XXXI in January 1997.
The spot, which is already being touted as "the most ki-ler commercial of all time" by industry insiders, will feature appearances by Warner Bros. cartoon favorite Wile E. Coyote, supermodel Naomi Campbell and box-office superstar Bruce Willis, as well as "kitschy" cameos by TV's Adam "Batman" West and Barbara "I Dream of Jeannie" Eden.
The digital special effects and hyper-realistic alien space battle sequences in the new Nike ad are said to represent major breakthroughs in effects magic, and required the construction of a brand-new Nike supercomputer, as well as over 35 kilotons of pyrotechnic explosives.
In the ad's climactic finale sequence, the nation of Iceland will actually be destroyed and replaced with a 50-mile-long scale model of the Air Gravitas, an imaginary new Nike hiking shoe.
"In the past, with so much of our budget going toward things like research and development, and employee salaries, a project like this would not have been feasible," Knight said. "Now, from a financial standpoint, our ability to inspire the world's athletes through a barrage of stirring visual images and high-volume, exclusively licensed, let's-get-really-freaking-pumped rock music is almost limitless."
Nike officials are sure the new ad will top any previous advertising achievements the Nike corporation can boast. "Rest assured, if the Air Gravitas were real, everybody in the world would want a pair after seeing this commercial," Knight said. "If we were actually selling the Air Gravitas, it would go down as the most successfully marketed shoe in history."
According to Nike spokespeople, the company will fire most of its 6,800 employees, keeping only those in its advertising division. Nike plans to offer the fired employees' combined salary of $210 million to basketball superstar Shaquille O'Neal, the only major superstar not currently under contract with Nike.
In the event O'Neal balks at the Nike offer, the company will terminate long-distance runner Joan Benoit-Samuelson's $10,000 annual contract and add it to his offer.
"Basically, we feel that there are a lot more important things in this life than selling shoes," Knight said. "When a Nike commercial ends, and the 'Just Do It' logo fills the screen, it means a lot more than 'Just Buy The Shoes.' It means 'Live Your Dreams.' It means 'Make It Happen, Children Of the Earth—Find The Courage To Go Out And Make The Most Out Of Life.' I don't want that beautiful message of hope and inspiration tarnished by crass commercialism."
Yeah - a monster dump in my toilet as we speak
@1ybs+1sTHQccp We spend so much on innovation? Then why did the innovation teams get slashed? Why haven’t we put out an innovative product since the flyease (which sketchers has a very similar and cheaper shoe)? Nike is no longer a disruptor or an innovator.
Just wait for the upcoming earnings call at the end of the month. I’m not expecting much change, but one can hope….
@1lpu+1sTHQccp Nike won’t disappear overnight. We’re still the biggest player in the market and have the cash to reinvest into innovation. No other company compares to Nikes spend on innovation. But to assume Nike will never fall out of relevance is naive. Bad sequential decisions certainly have the potential of causing Nike to slowly fade to mediocrity, gradually losing share to competitors over years.
Nike is pivoting away from selling shoes and will now exclusively make TikTok videos
Going to call it, ELT heard us. They’ll announce salary cuts for themselves and another round of layoffs because we asked for (ie: cutting middle management further). Eventually we’ll all be reporting into EVPs!
An old white dude is going to "retire".
Something big: ERP upgrade to S/4.
Whoop whoop!
22 year BoD retirement. JD next would be nice. Then a few more of those schmucks after that
Nothing big is going to happen. Nothing big ever happens. Nike will continue to churn and churn and churn until it churns more. I am leaving Nike next week and what I can confidently say after almost 5 years is that nothing ever changes. It will continue to succeed despite itself just as it has over and over and over again. I choose to leave happy knowing that Nike will probably still succeed even after many of the smartest people I know have already left. It's a mystery, but a mystery for the next cohort of employees to try to solve -not me.
I wish it was JD HON or any other ELT saying “We realized the buck does stop with us, and rather than continue to let corruption, harassment and bullying run rampant, we are taking a stand. All the ELT will not be taking our annual salaries or bonuses to ensure no more layoffs, to give larger bonuses (including those laid off) and to make sure we aren’t ki-ling the employees by overloading them. Like the Maxim says, Do The Right Thing.
For anyone else whose extremely immature, I’d like you to know the CAPTCHA numbers I had to input were 69 😂