Thread regarding Corinthian Colleges Inc. layoffs

Best. Thread. Ever.!! Good job all!

10 years from now a man named Ted moves out to the county to a house with no neighbors for miles. One day his closest neighbor, Jack Assimino, stops by to introduce himself.

Jack: So we're gonna have a party at my house later tonight, want to stop by?

Ted: A party, huh? What kinda party?

Jack: We're gonna have a lot of food. Oh yeah, a whole lotta food!

Ted: I love to eat, sounds great! What else?

Jack: We're gonna have a lot of dancing. Oh yeah, a whole lotta dancing!

Ted: I love to dance! Sounds fund. What else?

Jack: We’re gonna have a lot of drinking. Oh yeah, a whole lotta drinking!

Ted: Yeah? I don’t mind kicking back a few. What else?

Jack: We’re gonna have a whole lotta f-ing. Oh yeah, a whole lotta f-ing!!!

Ted: Now you’re talking! Who all is going to be there?

Jack: Just me and you, Ted!

A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the genie.

"But there's a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes, Jack Massimino will receive double what you asked for."

First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, Jack Massimino has been given two Ferraris," said the genie. "What is your next wish?"

"I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, Jack Massimino is two million dollars richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish.

The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

If Jack Massimino and Beth Wilson were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Q - What's wrong with Jack Massimino jokes? A - Jack doesn't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.

When Jack awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died and gone to Hell."

A man is at Jack Massimino's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all ex-students." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."

JM and BB were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young African American lady walks by. JM turns to BB and comments "Boy, I would like to f*** her!" BB thinks for a second and says "Out of what"?

Jack Massimino is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1) Overcharging students for degrees he knew were worthless.

2) Committing fraud with taxpayer money.

3) Hiring evil flying monkeys instead of people to supervise his staff.

4) Achieving previously unheard of new depths of brazen dishonesty.

And the list went on for quite awhile.

Jack objects and decides to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a quarter to a panhandler, once you gave a quarter tip to a waitress, and once you gave an extra fifty cents to the coffee boy, correct?"

Jack gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."

St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy a buck and tell him to go to hell."

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from Jack Massimino.

A local volunteer called to solicit his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is several million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"

Jack thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way volunteer mumbles, "Uh, no."

"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way volunteer begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.

"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?" The humiliated United Way volunteer, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."

Jack then says "...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

A minister died and to his chagrin found himself at the gates of Hell. The Devil greeted him, checked in his book and announced, "Yes, there is a place for you here," and walked with the minister to his assigned place in hell. On the way, they passed a palatial suite, where the minister saw a man he had met once named Jack Massimino, and Jack was making love to a beautiful woman.

The minister was troubled, but walked on with the devil. The devil ushered him into a tiny, cramped rocky cell. It was too much for the minister. "I admit I sinned when I was alive, but why am I sent to this cell for eternity when that asshole gets to spend eternity making love to a beautiful woman?"

"Who are you," said Satan, "to quarrel with that woman's punishment?"

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.

The first said, 'I think accountants are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is numbered.'

The second said, 'I think librarians are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.'

The third said, 'I like to operate on electricians; you open them up and everything inside is color-coded.'

The fourth surgeon said, 'I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end...'

The fifth one said, 'I like to operate on CCi execs; they're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I actually work for CCi. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Three CCi execs and three ECMC managers are traveling by train to a meeting. At the station, the three CCi execs each buy tickets and watch as the three ECMC managers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three CCi execs. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the ECMC managers. They all board the train. The CCi execs take their respective seats but all three ECMC managers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The CCi execs saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the meeting, the CCI execs decide to copy the ECMC managers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the ECMC managers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed CCi exec. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the ECMC managers. When they board the train the three CCi execs cram into a restroom and the three ECMC managers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the ECMC managers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the CCi execs are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

A group of terrorists burst into 6 Hutton Center Drive. More than a dozen 4th floor execs were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one CCi exec every hour.

The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front.

The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out." The rear tiger says, "Sorry," and they continue.

After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and says, "I said stop it!." The rear tiger says, "Sorry," and they continue.

After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once again licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"

The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate Jack Massimino and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

When Jack-Mass was filling out his CCi job application, he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for applicants who had answered, "Yes," was "Why?" He answered it, "Never got caught." (he was immediately hired and promoted to CEO)

One afternoon Jack Massimino was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked them.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," said Jack.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children," the second man answered.

"Bring them as well."

They all climbed into the limousine - no easy task - and one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

"No problem," said Jack, "The grass in my yard is about two feet tall."

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? You work for CCi?"

Jack Massimino and an ED official are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Orange County to Washington DC. Jack leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The ED official is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. Jack persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. Jack figures that since his opponent is from ED he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

"Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50." This catches the ED official's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. Jack asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The official doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to Jack. Now, it's the ED official's turn. She asks Jack, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

Jack looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop and searches all his references. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to BW and MS. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the official and hands her $50.

The ED official politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. Jack, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the official and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, she reaches into her purse, hands Jack $5, and goes back to sleep.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at Parthenon?

A: The caterer.

Q: What's the difference between Jack Massimino and a gigolo?

A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: What is the definition of a shame?

A: When a busload of CCI execs goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

A: There was an empty seat.

Q: Why won't sharks attack Jack Massimino?

A: Professional courtesy.

Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California CCi?

A: New Jersey got to pick first.

Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a Jack Massimino?

A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

Q: What does Dave Shuma get when you give him Viagra?

A: Taller

Q: What's the difference between Dave Shuma and God?

A: God doesn't think he's Dave Shuma.

Havent laughed this much in a while. Sitting in my office chair, reading posts and having fun. If we have more stuff like this I actually might enjoy coming to work to read this stuff.

900: Pure Jack! And we wonder where all our tax dollars go...

Thanks for the laughs guys! These are ALMOST as funny as the guy in the next thread saying he thinks the stock will go back over $1. I'm seriously having a tough time trying not to LOL at my desk!

NASA was interviewing applicants to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was Jack Massimino. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

Jack replied, "If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars."

Jack Massimino, who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness, was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can’t take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old fox finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, Jack’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said, "Call for Jack Massimino!" When Jack arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while Jack stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're Jack Massimino!"

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. He begins to question the proprietor about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for CCi executive brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is CCi exec brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many of them we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

A disgraced CCi exec died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The local sheriff was asked to donate a dime. "Only a dime?" said the sheriff, "Only a dime to bury a CCi exec? Here's a buck; go and bury nine more of them."

A man who had been caught cheating the Department of Ed went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Q: How can you tell if a CCi exec is well hung?

A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!