‘Twas the night before layoffs, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring not even the RAT
The AOP wishes were hung by the chimney with care in hopes that St. JD would soon be there
The employees were nestled all snug in their beds with visions of holiday family fun dancing in there heads
And mama in her lulu since she doesn’t get our sizing and I in my Nike, had just settled our brains from a long dysfunctional CSR chat
And out on the roof there arose such a clatter, I sprang up like Jordan to see what was the matter
Away to the window, I flew like Usain Bolt, tore up the shudder, and through up the sash
To the moon and the br---t of the snow, gave the lustre of midday to objects below, when what to my wandering eyes should appear but St. JD and his eight slimy business consultants
The driver who looked so confused, I knew in a moment in must be St. JD
More rapid than leadership departures, his Masters they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
Now McKinsey! Now BCG, Now Deloitte and PWC, On Bain, On Kearney, On Oliver Wyman and LEK. To the top of the swoosh! To the top of Jordan’s basketball, now dash away, dash away, dash away all!
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky so up to the house-top the coursers they flew, with the sleigh full of pinkslips, and St. JD too
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof the impending chaos of each consultant hoof. As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney St. JD came with a bound
He was dressed all in fur, a Christmas themed lederhosen with an Adidas logo on front, mumbling to himself about how innovative he was from his head to his foot
A bundle of awards he had flung on his chest he proudly wore “Adidas employee of the year”, “lululemon employee of the year”, “On employee of the year” and “brooks employee of the year”
His eyes--how they twinkled! Lacking any
empathy for what was about to soon come
The stump of the golden swoosh he ravenously chewed with his teeth, and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
soon gave me to know I had everything to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his Masters gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight, “Happy Layoffs to all, we’re off to save our next company tonight!”