A Corporate Layoff Carol for Christmas 2026
’Twas the season of Christmas, when all through the place,
Not a soul felt secure, not a smile on a face.
The pink slips were stacked by the HR team's lair,
In hopes that some savings would soon accrue there.
The employees were nestled all snug at their desks,
While visions of severance danced with their checks.
And executives lounged in their ivory towers,
Unaware of the damage they'd wrought in those hours.
When out of the blue came an email blast,
A corporate announcement, cold and unsurpassed.
It declared that the cuts were what workers had sought,
"You asked for this!" — as if that's what they'd thought.
The Cigna Group leaders were merry and bright,
Congratulating themselves on their cost-cutting might.
While workers were wondering, with families to feed,
How corporate efficiency had become corporate greed.
And there sat Evanko, intelligent and shrewd,
A CEO polished, analytical, and coolly subdued.
But surrounded by lieutenants whose judgment was thin,
He'd assembled a team that couldn't tell loss from a win.
Then there was N. Jones, HR's chief of the year,
A modern-day Scrooge with a heart made of veneer.
A former attorney, well-versed in the law,
She'd find every loophole, each technical flaw.
The severance rules, she’d studied with lawful delight,
To avoid giving notice or paying what's right.
She'd pinch every penny, shortchange every soul,
Then call it a strategy to achieve the cost-savings goal.
No Christmas Eve mercy, no holiday cheer,
Just a carefully timed cut to ruin the year.
"Bah, humbug!" she'd whisper, with a cold little grin,
"Let's see how much less we can pay them again!"
Then Melissa Arkus, HR's head of the day,
Had corporate talking points that she’d faithfully relay.
An echo chamber of slogans, a parrot on cue,
With not one original thought making it through.
Her department was chaos, a bureaucratic maze,
Where simple transactions took weeks and days.
Administrative errors were rampant and grand,
And disorganization that was thoroughly planned.
The Exec’s preached "transparency" all through the night,
With carefully crafted PowerPoints; clicking just right.
Yet when asked how many jobs had been swept away,
They suddenly had nothing "transparent" to say.
And outsourcing, automation, AI were the plan,
For every last worker, woman or man.
Every job was expendable, every role could be moved,
To India or the Philippines — efficiency proved!
Except, of course, the executives high in their seats,
Whose own jobs were somehow too special to delete.
Their judgment was priceless, their leadership rare,
Their millions in compensation entirely fair.
And so, as the holidays drew ever near,
The C-suite toasted another successful year.
They'd reduced the headcount, improved the report,
And congratulated themselves on their leadership sport.
And we heard them exclaim, as they vanished from sight,
"Accelerate to One! We're doing what's right!"
But before you congratulate yourselves on the show,
There are a few little questions you ought to know:
When every last employee has been sent overseas,
And AI does the work with remarkable ease,
How will you justify keeping your own cushy jobs,
When you've outsourced the people, the functions, and mobs?
When the company runs on AI bots and cheap for’n labor,
And there's no human workforce left to manage or favor,
How will you justify paying yourselves millions a year,
For overseeing machines that don't need you here?
And when every department has been streamlined away,
When the last U.S. employee has nothing more to say,
When there's nobody left for the C-suite to blame,
When will "Accelerate to One" finally call your names?
And who, dear executives, will be left to explain,
That the biggest expense was the people you retained?
So here's one last question, as Christmas draws near:
Will the next round of layoffs finally reach the top tier?
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
May your bonuses be frozen, and your stock options take flight.
And perhaps in the morning, when the board reviews the year,
They'll wonder why the people at the top are still here!