Dear fellow survivors of the "Reinvention" era:
Our brilliant leadership has decided the best way to save this sinking ship is to BORROW another $800M to fund the Lexmark acquisition - offering Senior Secured Notes.
But here's the thing... who the he-l is going to buy them?
In what world does a company with crumbling fundamentals, a shorted stock, negative outlook, and a shrinking business model convince investors to take second-lien risk?
What are the collateral rights—a warehouse full of unused printers?
These notes will need to come with Vegas odds-level returns, a blood oath from leadership, and possibly a "Get Out of Bankruptcy Free" card to even sniff buyer interest.
The script from now on is well known: cut costs, cut people, pile on debt, pretend it is "Reinvention" strategy, and pray someone buys the bonds.
Still dreaming of a heroic corporate comeback? Bless your heart.
We are not "reinventing" the future, just perfecting the art of financial self-sabotage.
Stay alert. Stay cynical. Update your LinkedIn.
And if you are feeling bold, short the stock. At least someone should make money here.