The Hollywood Office is closing on January 31st, 2023.
I guess they needed a cash bump to cover David Kenny's salary increase after going private, am I right, or am I right, or am I right?
Too bad for me and you!
If I was an elite (not some insignificant peon doing their work for them), I could've been invited to attend WEF in Davos, doggone it!
Alas, I can only dream what it would be like...
[cue psychedelic transition music]
I pose as a reporter, and flatter David in order to garner a brief interview.
Turtle Boy agrees.
We're sitting backstage at WEF with all the psycho gazillionaires who want to rule the world, just waiting for li'l Davy's chance to opine.
A line of state-sanctioned wh--es approach, offering free backstage BJs before each appearance.
With all of the CEOs distracted, I saw my chance.
I licked my parched lips, and mustered all my strength, and growled my rebellious query, staring intensely at the ceiling:
"Hey, Steve Jobseses' nerdy-older-baby-brother, why didn't you sacrifice part of your 5-figure-a-day salary to save our jerbbbs... Why?!???!!! "
But he ignored me. And fa---d. It stunk of pride and asparagus.
Standing up, he walked onto the stage to the podium, and spoke about progress and the virtues of wokeness.
But suddenly, a dark, sad shadow fell over his demeanor.
I can hear him now...
[Sniffle]
"The layoffs were a difficult decision..."
[Imaginary Celebratory jumping and fist pumping, yelling "F@&! yeah, I'm a millionaire!]
"but..."
[Imaginary sniffling, whimpering, sighing, and pouting with an intense attempt at a sad stare, while uttering in a broken voice...]
"Nielsen cares..."
And Actor of the Year Award goes to...