Hey, let's keep the funny going! It's the Tuesday after a long weekend (I hope for all of us) and I need to get my groove back! We won't always have someone as perfect to mess with as Jack-Mass. Let's hit him hard people!
28 replies (most recent on top)
414: Woah, Granny, dial it down a notch with the hipster parlance, you'll hurt yourself! These are the best threads in weeks!
Anonymous59414: You know why everyone gets a sour look on their face as they're passing you, right? It's called mirroring - look it up.
You know this isn't Facebook and we are not your selfie besties, right?!?!
227: Ha ha! It's BW's Vinegar Strokes!!!
Anonymous59227 -- I'm Socle too and I've seen that look, but it's usually on MH's face when TP turns away. Also when SJ turns away...you're right about it being 'desperate desire' though. I think this whole company is built on unrequited lust!
209 -- BW wants JM BAD! You're misinterpreting the look. It's the same one KD has on her face when DS turns away. Not hate...desperate desire!
59205 -- I've seen BW look at him like that. Why does that woman despise him so much?!? Was he the one behind firing her girlfriend?
Not a joke, but the funniest thing EVAH! The look on peoples' faces when Jack turns around and can no longer see them. They go from big fake smiley, to...well, something like this: http://image.123tagged.com/images/m/mad_face-12773.jpg
JM went on an epic journey to find himself. He did, and was sorely disappointed.
BW after an afternoon boat trip at Parthenon: "My skin is peeling." JM: "Don't worry, Beth, it's just the ugly trying to get off."
And the Lord said unto JM "Come forth and you will receive Eternal Life!" But JM came fifth, and won a toaster.
How can you tell when you've passed JM? The toilet won't flush.....
JM has a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. It runs in his jeans.
Apparently, someone in Orange County gets stabbed every 54 seconds. God, I hope it's JM!
JM fell down a wishing well. I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
JM, to a newly termed employee, “Ha, ha! When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave!” Ex-employee: “Good, I'll get buried at sea.”
Definition of mixed emotions: seeing JM drive over a cliff in your new car.
I took BW to Madame Tussaud’s Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, ‘Keep her moving sir, we’re stock-taking’
First man “I took my dog to the vet today because it bit Jack Massimino.”
Another asked: “Did you put it to sleep?”
The first replied: “No, I had its teeth sharpened.”
Lawyer to Mrs Massimino: “Your husband passed away in his sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?”
Mrs Massimino: “Take no chances -- order all three!”
Did you hear about the man who threw JM into the lion’s den at the zoo?
He’s being sued by the ASPCA for cruelty to animals.
We were having lunch with JM the other day and out of the blue he said, “I’ve decided I want to be cremated.” I said, “Alright, get your jacket.”
I bought JM a chair for Christmas, but he wouldn't plug it in.
Q: What's the difference between a catfish and JM?
A: One's a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other one is a fish!
I was at an admissions conference, when I saw six women beating MS up. As I stood there and watched, a campus rep who knew me, said, "Well, aren't you going to help?" I replied, "No. Six of them is enough".
Did you hear about the dyslexic CCi exec?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Wow, I'm from ECMC (Hi! Nice to meet you!) so I don't know any of the people you're referring to, but funny, funny stuff!
10 years from now a man named Ted moves out to the county to a house with no neighbors for miles. One day his closest neighbor, Jack Assimino, stops by to introduce himself. Jack: So we're gonna have a party at my house later tonight, want to stop by? Ted: A party, huh? What kinda party? Jack: We're gonna have a lot of food. Oh yeah, a whole lotta food! Ted: I love to eat, sounds great! What else? Jack: We're gonna have a lot of dancing. Oh yeah, a whole lotta dancing! Ted: I love to dance! Sounds fund. What else? Jack: We’re gonna have a lot of drinking. Oh yeah, a whole lotta drinking! Ted: Yeah? I don’t mind kicking back a few. What else? Jack: We’re gonna have a whole lotta f-ing. Oh yeah, a whole lotta f-ing!!! Ted: Now you’re talking! Who all is going to be there? Jack: Just me and you, Ted!///
A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there's a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes, Jack Massimino will receive double what you asked for." First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, Jack Massimino has been given two Ferraris," said the genie. "What is your next wish?" "I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, Jack Massimino is two million dollars richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish. The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."///
If Jack Massimino and Beth Wilson were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
///Q - What's wrong with Jack Massimino jokes? A - Jack doesn't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.
///When Jack awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died and gone to Hell."
///A man is at Jack Massimino's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all ex-students." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."
///JM and BB were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young African American lady walks by. JM turns to BB and comments "Boy, I would like to f*** her!" BB thinks for a second and says "Out of what"?
///Jack Massimino is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins: 1) Overcharging students for degrees he knew were worthless. 2) Committing fraud with taxpayer money. 3) Hiring evil flying monkeys instead of people to supervise his staff. 4) Achieving previously unheard of new depths of brazen dishonesty. And the list went on for quite awhile. Jack objects and decides to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a quarter to a panhandler, once you gave a quarter tip to a waitress, and once you gave an extra fifty cents to the coffee boy, correct?" Jack gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy a buck and tell him to go to hell."
///The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from Jack Massimino. A local volunteer called to solicit his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is several million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?" Jack thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way volunteer mumbles, "Uh, no." "Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way volunteer begins to stammer an apology but is cut off. "Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?" The humiliated United Way volunteer, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea." Jack then says "...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"
///A minister died and to his chagrin found himself at the gates of Hell. The Devil greeted him, checked in his book and announced, "Yes, there is a place for you here," and walked with the minister to his assigned place in hell. On the way, they passed a palatial suite, where the minister saw a man he had met once named Jack Massimino, and Jack was making love to a beautiful woman. The minister was troubled, but walked on with the devil. The devil ushered him into a tiny, cramped rocky cell. It was too much for the minister. "I admit I sinned when I was alive, but why am I sent to this cell for eternity when that asshole gets to spend eternity making love to a beautiful woman?" "Who are you," said Satan, "to quarrel with that woman's punishment?"
///Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first said, 'I think accountants are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is numbered.' The second said, 'I think librarians are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.' The third said, 'I like to operate on electricians; you open them up and everything inside is color-coded.' The fourth surgeon said, 'I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end...' The fifth one said, 'I like to operate on CCi execs; they're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.
///A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I actually work for CCi. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
///Three CCi execs and three ECMC managers are traveling by train to a meeting. At the station, the three CCi execs each buy tickets and watch as the three ECMC managers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three CCi execs. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the ECMC managers. They all board the train. The CCi execs take their respective seats but all three ECMC managers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The CCi execs saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the meeting, the CCI execs decide to copy the ECMC managers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the ECMC managers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed CCi exec. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the ECMC managers. When they board the train the three CCi execs cram into a restroom and the three ECMC managers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the ECMC managers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the CCi execs are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
///A group of terrorists burst into 6 Hutton Center Drive. More than a dozen 4th floor execs were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one CCi exec every hour.
///The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out." The rear tiger says, "Sorry," and they continue. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with h