Just found this in my email....
From the Desk of BERNARD DUROC DANNER::
cc: Your Immediate Stupervizer
Avec and oui oui, me hardees or some sh--,
Dear Mr Safety,
We've invested 40 billion dollars and executed by legal injection 15 focus groups worldwide to address your issue, Sir.
First off, Let me say, I always appreciate employees willing to be super suck-ups and report on minutae of daily operations. REALLY WARMS THE OLD BUCKEYE, if you know what I'm saying sparky ( my office, your tongue, my quivering rectum ) A tale as old as time... boy meets boss, boy lodges nose firmly in bosses heiney, boss gives occaisional handjob to keep boy on hook..Stop me if you've heard this one, waka waka.
These types tend to gravitate to safety, it would seem.
The solution we've arrived at will be a multi-part many many many phased implementation project involving company wide cooperation, starting with myself and running all the way down to Juan selling crack out of his taco truck outside the Houston office.
As I mentioned, it all starts with every employee out there.
But mostly hourly ones...
This is mandatory for all hourly employees. Management and Operations will be coordinating these events in the same cohesive, inspired, and brilliant fashion that we usually apply to day to day activities, company wide.
We may also point and laugh.
Everyday from now on, Every one of you will complete the following:
Write up 50 radar cards, submit in triplicate: fax, email, paper.
Next, say 10 Hail Mary's then do 3 sets of 10 squat thrusts (pants optional, of course)
Take 4 laps around the pipeyard. Climb the crane control cable twice.
Recite all 45 gems and their tenets.
Punch yourself in the face 25 times or until you black out whichever comes first.
Note:
These obstacles will be timed and immunity idols received for best time and deepest brown-nose.
Voting will be held quarterly by management and operations to determine the continued emploment status of all of you useless peons..er I mean valued employees.
Remember folks, First move forward, use your lines of power, always call journey management, throw out them gems on request, carry all of your lanyards, keychains, index cards and stickers in plain sight, most of all keep on smiling and stay cunty boys and girls.
Sincerely,
Your bestest buddy,
BDD
(Seriously, though, good luck to eveybody still looking!!!
Stay positive!)