Hi All,
As I'm watching employees being fired right and left today I wanted to take a minute to reiterate that employees are ConocoPhillips greatest asset. Well, besides the executive leadership team. And our shareholders. And our investors. And our office buildings. And our property. And our pens and pencils. Who am I kidding, I really don't care about the minions at all. Anyway, I want to thank all of you that are being fired - because of your sacrifice I was able to give myself and the executive leadership a raise last year!! Through my efforts, and mine alone, I have also been able to drain the company of cash while bending to pressure from Wall Street and paying a dividend!! This is great news - these actions have successfully eroded the talent from the company while positioning us to be bought out and sold for pieces!! Words cannot express my appreciation for your sacrifice! As I sit watch my checking account balance pass $80 million this week I will be thinking of each of you and the struggles you will face as a result of the company's nearsighted leadership!!
P.S. I forgot to thank James Mulva for successfully relieving ConocoPhillips of our refining capabilities a few years ago. Without his efforts we wouldn't have been in the situation we're in now. In fact without James' utterly nearsighted move to split the company, we might be successfully navigating the downturn in oil prices without firing anyone!! Thank you James!! You sincerely deserve the millions and millions of dollars the company paid you!!