“All of us at EDMC can agree that the most recent round layoffs was a painful experience for each and every one of us. Some of us in senior management missed our tee-off times by nearly a half hour. Therefore, as part of our continuing efforts to offer quality academic programs and to improve the learning experience for all our students, we are very excited to announce a trial program: Not My Campus Alert.
With this simple application for your mobile device, you will be informed of your layoff swiftly and conveniently. At EDMC we have always been sensitive to your needs and realize that being discarded like yesterday’s trash can be humiliating and embarrassing. Therefore, why not experience this soul-crushing experience in the privacy and comfort of your own home? (Or more importantly, outside our main building where you will have a chance to cool off and not do anything rash that might require law enforcement or costly litigation?) Remember, this service is iPad, iPhone and Smart phone ready, voluntary and completely free of charge! And, a special bonus, we have included direct links to on-line counselors who are ready to assist you with vague reassurances and directions to the nearest unemployment office. Sign up now. Discover the difference new technology is making for every outgoing employee!”