After years of seeing the most useless and worthless resources being constantly promoted in this company, I have finally figured out the steps to success at BD:
- Undermine every corporate project you’re assigned to as much as possible. Don’t worry—you won’t get fired. If the Project Lead dares to escalate your actions to upper management, leadership is too incompetent to take action and will ultimately blame the Project Lead.
- Refuse to implement any changes in your area. If you're called out on it, complain that the communication was unclear and that no one explained the changes were critical or mandatory.
- Skip all meetings. If you’re not there, they can’t assign you more work or hold you accountable.
- Take no accountability whatsoever.
- Master the art of backstabbing. Badmouth everyone to your manager, and badmouth your manager to everyone else. This is a vital skill—become an expert. Backstabbing is what will get you ahead in this company.
- Su-k up to the higher-ups. Strengthen your tongue muscles; you’ll need them.
- Never, and I can’t stress this enough, meet a deadline. The further behind you are, the more efficient leadership will think you are. And, of course, always blame others for your delays.
- Occasionally yell during meetings. Be disrespectful—shout at people and, if you can, throw things around.
- Constantly complain about how busy you are and how much your personal life is sacrificed.
- Flood managers’ inboxes with complaints. Moan about how other people’s requests get in the way of your actual work (which, of course, you aren’t doing anyway).
- Remember, profits trump everything. And I do mean everything.
If you can’t follow these steps, maybe you don’t want that promotion after all, or you should look outside BD.