Wouldn’t it be the proper thing to do for IBM and your immediate manager to send a sympathy card and/or flowers for your mother’s funeral? I retired from IBM in 2023, but I still have a bad memory of how my manager and IBM never sent anything to me or the funeral home when my mother died in Feb 2020. I had rejoined IBM in Jan 2020 and I had about 23 years with the company when I retired in 2023. This was just pathetic and disrespectful by IBM and this manager. I was a highly respected employee of IBM but new to this manager having only worked for him for a month. This is the type of people IBM puts in management positions and is why I retired and left on my own terms.
12 replies (most recent on top)
@6jiu You have a right to your opinion but I have heard of people at IBM and other companies whose close relative had died with their first month of employment and got flowers sent to the funeral home. This was just a classless manager who was notable for other classless acts including asking a senior employee to state their age on a team call. So three you have it
Not to make excuses, but interpersonal relations have never been well-understood. In my own life I've seen marriages, divorces, re-marriages, re-divorces, "modern families" (i.e. blended...like in the TV show), what have you. Sometimes the parent is beloved, but just as often the parent is NOT beloved...sometimes the parent is utterly hated by the employee. Is the parent biological? A step-parent? Adoptive? He-l if I know. What I do know is that if I were a manager, if someone's parent or significant other or whatever died I would keep a respectful distance, and not say a word. Death is a very personal thing, after all, and sometimes keeping your distance is the very, very, very BEST course of action.
The OP says that they had been working for the manager for just one month. That's just one paycheck's worth of time...and they expect the manager to automatically send something to the funeral home? Expect whatever you want I guess, but personally I wouldn't expect anything other than a few days off to take care of the funeral and the parent's final affairs. It's easy to criticize IBM management for their misdeeds, but an automatic judgement of "pathetic and disrespectful" may be a bit too much.
Funeral are personal. When my co-workers father passed away, I asked if can come to the funeral. I was sitting with his kids. When the mother passed away, I again went to the funeral but did not join the gathering. So when his daughter married, I was invited with my daughter at the place of honor. My co-workers wife made sure we are all happy.
In my case I did it different. I did only tell my manager when my father passed away. He told me to fly home and no need to take vacation. I worked several more days as working is the best distraction. Then I got some flowers and a card fro my co-workers. I was touched.
But this is all personal and therefore having a manager manage it, I prefer not to. When my mother passed away, we all knew how to do it. But your manager may not know.
this was not at IBM but could be anywhere. By best wishes
Have to agree with the below post - I have refused to take promotions if it was under a narcissistic, selfish, micro managing type of Executive or Manager.
My peace of Mind is more important than an extra $$ in promo!
It is not all of IBM - I have had absolutely horrendous managers on one hand and absolutely the best ones too!
It all depends on the person who is the Manager and you can't blame the entire company for 1 bad apple!
In a time where there is so much BS and utter disrespect in the workplace, I'd take the cold indifference any day of the week, and 10 times on Sunday. Yeah, that sounds pretty awful, and I agree it is...but in a company that really doesn't value anything other than stock prices and free cash flow, what more can anyone really expect?
@OP+1tSe88cG it saddens me as a former manager from decades ago to read such indifference has befallen IBM. In my career, life events were covered in new managers school. It was common for an employee's manager to arrange flowers on behalf of IBM, and express concern and extend sympathies not out of obligation, but out of Respect for the Individual. Yes, times have changed, but kindness and human decency should not.
Let me offer a different point of view. I'd rather have remote work and managerial indifference than RTO and managerial sympathy.
In my last few years at IBM, I had a parent who was also going through their final years. There were many trips to the ER, many trips taking that parent to doctor's appointments, many hours caring for that parent...you know the drill. Anybody who has or has had an elderly parent knows the drill.
Not once did my managers nor my coworkers express any sympathy to me, and I didn't expect any from them. Why? Because THEY DIDN'T KNOW. My life is my own and I felt no need to include them in my life's problems.
All anyone cared about was that the work got done. And I was able to do it, thanks to remote work...from the hospital, from the car, from the house. That's a lot of time spent with a dying parent that I would not have had if I had to work from the office.
Every situation is different, and I imagine that the OP has a much different POV than mine. But personally, I'm damn grateful to have had such an impersonal relationship with IBM. It eventually ended with my RA, but during my time with the company I was able to both work on the job AND simultaneously spend some time caring for an elderly parent. I didn't have to choose. I'd take that any day over a sympathy card.
A few years ago, a colleague on our team lost his mother unexpectedly. I thought surely someone would initiate a sympathy card and some flowers to be sent to him or the funeral home. When it didn’t happen, I took it upon myself to ask our manager if something was in the works. It wasn’t. It was obvious it hadn’t even occurred to him. He wasn’t a bad guy, and it wasn’t like he’d been raised by wolves. He was a Boston Brahmin, a country club kinda guy, and would not have been a stranger to basic social etiquette, and yet. He did at least tell me about the existence of a code buried in the bowels of Concur that I could use to send a card and a floral arrangement, which I did. On behalf of everyone.
IBM is, hands down, the cheapest company I’ve ever worked for, and I’ve worked for some lean operations. IBM is cheap for cheap’s sake. But there are some vestiges, like that code, that allow you to behave like a human being if you choose to be one. Unfortunately, IBM is mostly comprised of people who do not choose to be one. You have to look for humanity and you have to fight for it, and most managers can’t be bothered. And as bad as it was then, it's even worse now under AK and his droogs.
Before my wife passed away last year as I was taking care of her, they were more worried about how I report my hours in work day rather then saying here let me help you do that. I had to keep chasing better wifi connection so I can update the work day. Which force me to leave her all the time. No concern no call asking how is she doing now...makes me really said just to think about that time. Need less to say I decided to leave IBM.......
I’m sorry for your loss.
It’s all on the manager here. I was let go in Feb 2021. During my 11 years there, I only had 2 managers. One of them was 9.5 years. This is very rare.
They have money in the budget for employee life events like this. Happy events, sad events, employee gatherings. It’s there. You have every right to hate IBM here, but it’s probably not their fault here. It’s the manager. This person has no clue how to be a human.
They can also look the other way when it comes to days off. “Manager discretion” goes a long way.
IBM doesn't have any respect for an individual employee any more (unless there is a lawsuit and they to do the usual CYA).
Why would IBM management give a darn for the employee's family ? They only hire the worst managers these days, as they are cheaper by the dozen. It's all about saving a buck, not about maintaining any quality. There are still a few decent managers inside the company, but they are a dying breed.
Blame the toxic and inhuman corporate culture on Palmisano, Rometty and Krishna.