Team,
I got my promotion and am keeping my job. Shareholders will get their dividends.
Market’s a shitstorm and we’re hemorrhaging, so we cut heads. Never mind we do this every single year. Growth’s a pipe dream—staying alive’s the goal unless you have a golden parachute like me. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Remember, Athina and I are just a better players.
Customers matter more than you, so we gutted the place. Axed jobs, smashed teams—deal with it. Private label, what’s that? Brand salience will save us in an economic crisis.
Your boss better have told you the damage. If not, kick their a-s. Here’s the carnage:
Away from Home: Less grunts, less bullsht, same sugar and salt.
Marketing: Big dogs eat, small fries starve. Let’s spend some money on MT Dew Super Bowl commercials and Cheetos finger statues in Canada that no one sees. Buy hey, I won an award for my resume.
Field Sales: Fewer bodies, new lines, sell or die. (Don’t worry about me, I’ll survive) I’ve empowered you the PepsiCo way.
Channels: Discount bins rule—merge or get f-kd. Don’t need an insights team to tell you that.
Finance: One cage, less trash, heads rolled. GBS and PGT have been so successful we don’t need you. Head finance guy saw that and went to DisneyWorld before the SuperBowl.
HR: just call the speak up line, we won’t fire you for that.
Liberty, N.Y.: Plant’s dead. Workers hosed, PopCorners bolts. I took the private jet on so many Market tours, so trust me - the more plants we close, more we can spend on jet fuel.
Same old “Faster, Stronger” noise—shove it. It’s for the consumer, so quit whining and move. —— Dont forget— we only really care about the shareholder and that’s probably not you.
Some of you are toast but I earned my millions all by myself. What? You thought we would take a pay cut for you?
Town Hall’s Feb. 25—scream on Slido, we don’t care, complaints are filtered and the PR puppet only throws planned softballs.
You can pray this works but I get paid either way.
You are welcome,
[Top boss from Overseas]
Here is to more Cheetos middle finger statues like I did in Canada.