10 Tips for a Successful Career at ExxonMobil

One year ago today, it was communicated to me that I was selected for involuntary separation from ExxonMobil. To celebrate this event, I'm giving you 10 tips for a successful career at ExxonMobil. These are based on my observations in the last 10 years or so.

Hold the handrail.
Vote Republican.
Display a bible at your desk. The bigger the better.
Openly practice plagiarism and steal your co-workers ideas and products and sell them as your own. It's expected.
Lose your technical skills. They are a dead weight and won't get you anywhere. Without any technical skills, you will be promoted to TTL -> supervisor -> manager very quickly, and then you can demonstrate your position of authority and command "Explain that to me".
Make leadership-level donations to United Way (> $1000). It's being tracked and correlates with your performance assessment (FKA ranking).
Engage in as many diversity and inclusivity initiatives as possible. Particularly, LGBTQ stuff will get you way up the ladder.
Intentionally exclude key technical experts from any meetings and peer reviews. They harm your agenda as they might disagree with you and provide constructive criticism.
Frequently and loudly deploy the F-bo-b, and for good measure embellish your phrases with another 4-letter word starting with S. Your low-class management will appreciate it and fell right at home.
Quickly adopt a clothing, hair, and speaking style that imitates that of executive-level managers. Individualism will not be tolerated.

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10 replies (most recent on top)

@OP - #2 and #3 are BS. Most of the staff in Annandale vote Democrat and the forced diversity means that a Bible won't help you. However, I agree 100% with the rest

Also, it helps a lot if your daddy works there.

I had no idea that went on. I am assuming this behavior happens in the Houston office and no where else.

@2zss+1e50Q2RY
If your donation is high enough, you’ll find out that you’ve made into the “Circle of leadership”. That comes with a dinner (maybe a cheap lunch these days) where high level managers will be there to congratulate the “young leaders”. And then, miraculously, the most agressive, pushy and shameless will get sponsors.
High donations indicate the willingness to say “How high?” when they say “Jump!”. It’s like the hazing when you join the fraternity.
So what do you think, they track the donations or not?

Do they really track donations?

Based on some of these responses I can see why some people were let go. It’s been a year. Get over it already like the rest of us. Take your bigoted, racist, misogyny to your next dumpster fire job.

Most are on point, OP, though some weaker than others via bias.
I'd only add:
Know exactly how smart or stupld to be in any situation.
In EM, a good ratio is 80 stupId / 15 smart / 5 on yr knees in a Marriot toilet.

Must know how to be stupId and pretend to be smart.
I'd quote scripture on that. Never hurts.

Make sure to have a sponsor in upper management that is immune to layoff or transfer, and keep their boots licked clean.

Make sure to add he/she/it designation to your email signature which shows management your real commitment to diversity and inclusion.

You forgot deep diving the nose in the posturer of higher management.

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10 Tips for a Successful Career at ExxonMobil

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